Until The World Ends - Arch Tremors

"Through the tender mercy of our God, With which the Dayspring from on high has visited us;

To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, To guide our feet into the way of peace.”

‭Luke‬ ‭1:78‭-‬79‬ ‭NKJV‬

I apologize if my last post caught a few of you off guard. The loss caught me off guard too. I suppose it should not have. I had been talking SilverAngel down from the ledge for a while. In the end, I could not save my friend's life. I tried. I failed. The guilt for this failure is not on me. I know I alone am inadequate. I've had the awareness and prevention trainings. I know the signs. I've seen the numbers. I can listen to you. I can give you a place to vent. I can tell you it will get better all day long, but it won't make a difference if you don't believe me. If you find yourself in the valley of hopelessness and despair, please seek professional help. Here are a few resources: 

Call or text at any time - 988

https://sprc.org/

https://rogersbh.org/

https://www.kindmindcounseling.org/

Please utilize them. There is no shame in asking for help. You have people who love you and care about you and want you to stay. I'm one of them. I care if one more light goes out. Please don't let the darkness win. Life is worth living, even when it isn't perfect. 

I miss my friend, but I need to keep going. The living need my attention. The storms of life rage on and I need to help pick up the pieces where I can. I need to finish what I started. I need to focus on the next right thing. 

There were good things that happened this year. Great things, even. But sad things happened too. Gotta take the sunshine with the rain. You need both to grow. If this year was not a good one for you, there is still next year. There is still tomorrow. There is today. It's not too late. It's never too late to change. It's never too late to be better.  

As we close out this year, I am so thankful for many things. I am grateful for the patience, kindness, and mercies of the One True King. I am grateful for the Hope that is in me, the Light that keeps me going. I am grateful for the family and friends that have been by my side through everything this year. I'm grateful for my coworkers and current work environment. I'm grateful for my puppies who still love me when I trip over them. I'm grateful for the new adventures I've been on this year and the courage to try new things. I'm grateful for my husband. 

(Princess Mononoke) 

My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. Through better and worse. Through sickness and health. Through life and loss. I don't talk about him enough. Partly because that's a side of me you have no business knowing, but also because of this fear that if I talk about something important, something bad will happen to it. Like the fb curse for relationships. What I have is precious and sacred and very dear to me. I will not part with it for anyone or anything. 

(Howl's Moving Castle)

Our love may not look like big bouquets or fancy dinners or flashy jewelry. Romcoms are corny and PDA is still sappy. Instead, our love looks like stargazing in freezing temps. It's building lego sets together. It's playing video games together. It's loud duets with each other from separate rooms. It's cooking dinner and washing the dishes. It's making sure the car tank is full and the groceries are put away and the trash is taken out. It's waking up at 1 in the morning to take care of the dogs then getting up at 4 for work. It's calling each other when you are physically apart and staying on the phone for hours, even if you don't say anything at all. It's asking "what can I do for you" until you run out of things to do and still looking for things to do anyway. It's whispering "I love you" every chance you have to say it and mean it every time. It's staring into the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my entire life for as long as I live. 

(Tales from Earthsea)

You cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. You cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.  He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we're perfect together. I would follow you to the end, Forever & Always. 

"In the end I wanna be standing 

At the Beginning with you."

"When the rain falls down

When it all turns around

When the light goes out, this isn't the end

~

How close to the ending? Well, nobody knows

The future's a mystery and anything goes

Love is confusing and life is hard

You fight to survive cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend

It's just the beginning, this isn't the end."

This Isn’t The End - Owl City

(Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind)

~ Always Hope ~

Hurt - Johnny Cash

 

For you, SA. I even kept the tears out.

As much as I would love to tell you that life is full of smiles and rainbows and lollipops, that would be a lie. I am trying so hard to find the light in everything. In everyone. The truth is, it still rains. It is still dark. It is still winter. It still hurts. I know I need to accept both sides of life - the dark and the light, the sunshine and the rain, the joy and the sorrow.

I lost a friend. I am heartbroken. I am devastated. It was unfair. It was tragic. It was avoidable. Sometimes, I can laugh and smile and think about other things. Sometimes, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding. I have cried every day since they left. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to listen to music so loud it ruptures my ear drums. I want to sit in absolute silence without ever hearing another note. I want to write a thousand books. I never want to pick up a pen again. Am I going to lose someone I care about every year?

I once read that the scars go as deep as the love. What a broken way to measure love. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I couldn't feel a thing. I guess that's what you get when you let your heart win. That's what I get for letting the icy thing melt. It has become soft and vulnerable. It hurts. Everything hurts. Every time my heart breaks, I stitch it back together. And then we go again. Like a rundown car. It breaks over everything. Over everyone. 

I went to get groceries. I shoved my earbuds in and listened to Linkin Park, because that's the only thing I can listen to when my heart is broken. Out of courtesy, I stop the music as I approach the till. The cashier wears an all too familiar golden ring on a silver chain. "Is that the One Ring?" I ask. 

"YES!" Their face lights up with a huge grin. They immediately launch into a story about how they're planning to give it to a friend who is moving away because, in their little friend group, they are Sam and the friend is Frodo. We smile and laugh and, for a moment, the world is beautiful and wonderful and unmarred. Then I get to my car and cry. Why does that matter so much to me?

I wrote a story last year to help me through my grief and loss. Why am I surprised that, right this very second, that's the story I want to read again? That's not how grief is supposed to work. I'm supposed to be over this. I'm supposed to be resilient. Strong. Unbreakable. Life doesn't work like that. Not at all. Healing is a lot of back and forth. One step forward, three steps back. No matter what, always press forward. Being strong isn't being unbreakable. It's when you are broken over and over again, but you keep going anyway. You won’t find any condemnation from me for breaking, but please don’t give up. 

It’s okay. I will be okay. I’m still eating and sleeping and going outside. I have a support system and healthy coping mechanisms and people I can talk to. This post isn’t to worry you or warn you or even inform you. I didn’t write it for any of those reasons. I wrote it to help me heal. I’m writing it to remind myself that it’s okay to listen to sad music as well as happy music. There is still a sunrise on the horizon and it will be beautiful again, even if all I can see is rain. I’m writing to remind myself to keep my heart soft. To let this make me even more compassionate and loving to others. But for now, for one split-second, let me mourn the soul of my friend. 

“I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair

It doesn't care, it arbitrarily cuts off your air

And like you, I want someone to say it's okay

But in the truest part of our hearts, everybody's afraid

We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed

Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves

You understand what I'm saying, 'cause you always did

But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid”

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor 

Proverbs 17:17

Because it makes me feel better, can I share my favorite parts of last year’s story with you? You don’t have to read them, but they help me pull myself forward. For anyone who actually has a copy of the story, you've had enough time to read it by now. To everyone else, I’ve edited out the names and context so as not to spoil too much. That's the only spoiler warning you'll get.

***

It hurts. 

“I know.” 

I don’t want to keep hurting… But I don’t want it to stop either.

“It’s never going to stop. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you don’t… You learn to live with it.”

How?

“You learn to float through the waves. You find a piece of wreckage or a memory or another person and hang on for dear life. When the waves come, they will be a thousand feet high and crash down every two seconds. Everything you see will remind you. You won’t even have a chance to breathe... But over time… the waves will get further apart. Over time, they get smaller and you’ll be able to see them coming. And every time they crash over you, you’ll come out the other side... Still hanging on. You learn to float through them.”

The waves never stop?

“The waves never stop.”

***

“He looks broken.”

“Hm, that’s ‘cause ‘e is. To love someone that deeply takes a lotta courage, because ye know one day they’ll be gone. That’s a scar ‘e’ll carry ferever.”

“What’s the point? Why open yourself up to such damage at all? I thought the point of life was to avoid weakness.”

“Life’s gonna hit ya no matter what ya do. It ain’t a matter o’ weakness. The point is ya can’t go through it alone. Ya need people to survive. So what if they leave scars? The scars are a reminder they meant somethin’. When it’s yer time, you’ll leave scars too. I think… if yer lucky, you’ll have a lot of scars when it’s all said and done. Or unlucky. Honestly, he’s pro’bly one of the strongest men I know.” 

“Why?”

“Cause he’ll still choose to be broken.” 

***

“I’m not going to hold his mistakes over him.” 

“Maybe you should.” Always seeing the good in people. Always seeing the light. It’s your biggest fault. 

It’s a gift. 

***

"I thought the pain would go away… I thought I could finally fix it. I did everything I could and it still didn’t matter! It still hurts!” 

“It’s okay. Let it out. You’re safe.” 

“How did you move on?” 

“I didn’t. I didn’t move on. I didn’t leave her behind or forget. I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t want to forget her smile or her laugh or her tears.” 

“It hurts too much to remember.”

“I want to. I’m going to remember her every day if it kills me. I just don’t want to do it alone.” 

“You’re not alone.”

~ Always Hope ~