I hit 50k. I won NaNoWriMo. Just like I said I would. Just like you knew I could.
I'll be honest, I almost gave up after I heard the news of your passing. I wanted to stop. I wanted to never write another word. Yet the words poured out. I had to keep going, mostly out of spite. I had to finish what I started, no matter what. That's what heroes do. That's what hope does.
Always hope.
Isn’t that what you told me?
Always hope is stamped on everything I write. Always hope was our battle cry as we flew headlong into life, swords glinting and wings unfurled. Your battle is over now, fallen warrior. It grieves me more than you can ever know to watch you fall. Always hope is the whisper on my lips as I claw forward and pick myself up from the mud. Always hope is stitched to my heart as I press on, leaving you behind.
We've been friends for 14 years and now you're gone. I kept your stories safe for you. Of course I saved them. I try to save everything. Without condoning, without condemning, I understand. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Yet, I will take up the mantle of Auriel - angel of hope. I will pick up the broken standard. I accept the responsibility that comes with being a lightkeeper. You remember what Cave Johnson said about life handing you lemons. I'm gonna burn the house down with the lemons.
Hope is a light in the darkness and in the darkness I will be that light.
For you.
For me.
For them.
“To wring a silver lining out of thunderstorms isn’t for the faint of heart. What you are doing is brave and meaningful. Every story has meaning because every voice is different. Every life is a lens refashioning the ordinary into the extraordinary. And you, right now, right this second, are part of that ancient and sacred tradition of storytellers.” ~ Roshani Chokshi
If you're wondering how NaNoWriMo is going, don't worry. I stopped editing, but I haven't stopped writing. Meaning all the parts/chapters I have been posting are the 90% workable and 50% edited content. In order to speed up the process and keep up with my word count, I've focused 100% on just writing and doing it from memory instead of painstakingly going over the new and the old content line by line.
This way, I get through most of the story and I can always go back and make it pretty later. More ISC content is coming. It's just not ready for reading yet.
I'm at 41,773 words as of this moment. 50k is right around the corner.
Meanwhile, enjoy this tribute to Cal Kestis that I've been listening to on repeat for the last five hours.
I wasn’t planning to write a blog post while doing NaNoWriMo, but out of the abundance of the heart the hand types so here we go.
I stopped to look up at the architecture of the building I work at the other day and it suddenly hit me: when did something that once filled me with awe and wonder become so mundane? It happened to you too, right? The moment you skip your favorite song because it has become dull. The moment a bright red maple tree standing among a sea of yellows and greens becomes ordinary. The moment you’d rather stand under the umbrella instead of letting the rain touch your skin. Oh, what lives we lead when the extraordinary becomes normal! Life is full of incredible, beautiful moments that we are often too busy to stop and appreciate. The wonderful moments. The awesome moments. The moments when you stop and stare in amazement. I don’t want to lose that sense of wonder. Don’t let life become mundane.
But what if it has? What if you can’t get out of the day in and day out? Next time you grab your coffee, stop and feel the warmth of the cup. Next time you pass a bakery, stop and smell the fresh bread. Listen to the heartbeat of someone you love. When you see that little daisy poking out between the cracks of the sidewalk in the middle of November because it doesn’t care what time of year it is, appreciate its beauty. Get excited when you see a rainbow. Get excited when your egg randomly has two yolks. In a world full of darkness and despair and monotony, stop to find the joy and you’ll find it.
Along this line, I discovered that the moment you learn how to pop the top off your stove to clean it, you become unstoppable. It's like discovering the hidden adult magic that you longed for as a kid. The mystical power of adults who can do anything. A similar thing happened when I found out you can swap the direction your doors open on appliances (fridge, dryer, washing machine). That was a fun day. I'm not sure if I've become a boring adult when these kinds of discoveries excite me or if I'm still seeing through the eyes of a child. Maybe I’m just a dork.
Getting back to NaNo, there must be a word for when your brain decides it would rather spend 3 hours deep cleaning the entire house on your day off than write one legible sentence toward your word count goal. Oh, there is? “Procrastination”? That doesn’t sound right. While my word count is not where it should be (these words don't count), I have a backlog of raw content from notes and word wars that I need to work on getting “reader ready.” Don’t question the process, but trust there is one. I am still being productive, it just doesn’t look like it yet…. Yeah, we’ll go with that. I did start noticing a pattern though…
There is a great big bad overlord that no one sees until the very end. The fate of the world is at stake. The one deemed to save it refuses the calling. And there is some sort of crush going on between the easy going pacifist and the emotional water girl. Is it a stretch? Maybe. Are the patterns only there if you look for them? Possibly. I don’t know, but I found it funny all the same.
I was thinking about the importance of Veteran’s day. I have lived a conflict-free life. I don’t know anyone in active duty. I don’t know anyone who has died in the line of duty. And I only know a handful of veterans. I realize this makes me fortunate. I’m an ignorant civilian who has never had to worry about war. Obviously, it’s a bit different with the war going on in the country I grew up in, but I’m still not its citizen. I believe it takes a certain kind of person to be willing to lay down your life for others. For that, members of the military have my highest respect. Some never saw combat. Some never left our shores. Some left and are lucky they made it back at all. None of that makes them any less worthy of respect, in my eyes. Most of the time, I don’t know what to do when I see a veteran. Thank you doesn’t feel like enough. As with many areas of life, I wish I could do more. Honestly, I don’t think we as a nation are doing enough for them. But those are opinions best kept to myself. Those are the kinds of opinions that make people mad and I hate making people mad. So let me leave it at this: if you had the strength to put on my country’s uniform, thank you. Thank you for choosing to protect fortunate and ignorant civilians like me.
Would it even be a proper Ice Sword Chronicles post without Amy Lee's magnificent vocals sending us off on our journey? I think not. In fact, I hope every single time Evanescence graces your ears, you think of ISC.
I certainly do.
NaNo is here (close enough)! Are we ready to enter the Mines of Moria and face the balrog? No. Are we ready to rewrite the most ridiculous and epic story in all of human history? Also no. Are we ready rewrite ISC? ...Maybe? No. Yes!
I'll be posting all the rewrite material on the ISC blog. Shout out to the only individual who participated in the survey and picked what I probably would have done anyway. I don't know who you are, but thank you, random citizen.
Here's the first change, solely for clarity's sake, the new parts will be named chapters. I know, I know. ISC's content has always been "Part ...". So much stuff gets glossed over in the beginning and I want to go back and fill it in. With expanding the narrative content, I'm 100% certain it's going to be a nightmare trying to fit everything into the same Parts the Original is in. Also, if I name everything in the rewrite "Part ...", it's going to get super confusing when referencing between the two. For now, they will be called chapters. Maybe they can be called parts again after it's all said and done and we send it off for publishing. (HAH!)
During NaNoWriMo, my goal is to try to get through all of the intro, kidnapping, EDJ's castle, Lui’s disappearance, meeting Misty, and going to Thorae. Act One-ish of the tale. It ends up being about the first 12 parts or so. I know that doesn't sound like a lot in comparison to the rest of the story, but it's a start. I always anticipated ISC becoming a full set of chronicles by the time it's all written out and all the prequels and sequels get attached anyway (hence, chronicles). We'll see if I can cover all of Earth’s portion with words to spare. Death 50,000 words is only the beginning.
Also, if you haven't already, check out the ISC fb page and ISC blog. That's where I'll be updating my writing progress. Not here. Follow the rabbit hole. Good luck.
Coauthors - we started this story together. I'm going to finish it. It won't be perfect, but maybe it will be one step closer to achieving those dreams we started out with. I'm serious about my request earlier - any ideas, any changes, any suggestions at all, tell me. I'll get it done. I want to honor you and your characters by getting them right. Help me put these ghosts to rest.
Everyone else, enjoy the trip. We're taking a ride back to 2009 so it's going to be a bumpy one. Get your playlists and popcorn ready.
Enjoy the awful/lovely artwork of 2009 Savvy. I can't draw hair for nothing. I literally haven't drawn at all since then, so my skills have not improved. I do want to get back into the 4-panel chibi comics though, those were fun and adorable.
Out the window
(DJ, Lui, and EDJ)
Flower
(Lui and Hanna)
Explosive Cookies
(EDJ)
Snowball
(Hanna and Anna)
Hug
(Lui and Hanna)
Clash
(Hanna and EDJ)
Unfinished Portrait
(Hanna)
Makin a List
(Hanna, drawn by my sister)
Maybe it's all for nothing. Maybe I have built a house of memories with no foundation. Maybe I'm a sponge excreting everything I've absorbed over the years without an original bone in my body. Maybe I'm feeding off nostalgia the way maggots feed off a corpse. Maybe my words will do more harm than good. Maybe I'll regret even trying. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I can no longer live with the regret of not trying at all. I can no longer live with these buried dreams and talents. If I dig them up and they all come to naught, at least I can say I tried.
In truth, I'm really excited to dive back into this world. I know I'm not the same person I was when I initially wrote my portions. The imagined settings, characters, and scenarios are still there, but I have new ideas to add to them. New ways to reveal old truths. Some character roles may change. There's a possible name change. To a story that's 90% dialog, I'm adding way more dialog. Change is coming, but I'm looking forward to it.
Maybe it's silly for me to hold on to this dream for so long. The world has moved on. So what if it has? I'm not writing for the world. I'm writing for me. *points at characters* I'm writing for them. The least I can do is finish their story. They deserve that much. It's never too late to get back up again. May be knocked down, but not out forever.
To anyone else participating in National Novel Writing Month - good luck. May the odds be ever in your favor.
"I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul Don't let me die here, there must be something more Bring me to life"
~ Evanescence
"Maybe that's why fairytales exist... To give us hope when reality has taken it from us."
It means National Novel Writing Month is less than 30 days away and you're panicking and procrastinating with literally everything else. Start the count down feeding the anxiety.
It means masks are in season.
I've worn plenty of masks in my life. I think we all have. A mask has its place. We see the hero run around with a mask to protect their loved ones. We see the villain wear a mask so they don't get caught. Masks are worn to protect something important. Masks are worn to hide something others might deem unsightly. Masks are used in lots of different situations. Many masks are worn for work. Some masks are worn for fun. Some masks are worn out of fear. Some masks are worn out of love. Some masks are obvious. Some masks aren't.
How long do you have to wear your mask before you forget it's even there?
It can be a dark spiral, especially on the internet. The more of yourself you reveal, the easier it is to be harmed. This is something we see in normal human interaction, just amplified by a thousand. Here, you can reach millions of people in seconds. And in seconds, the trolls emerge. And guess what trolls are - humans in masks. Be mindful of the mask you wear. Decide how much you need it. Carefully consider when and where and which mask to use. For whatever reasons you wear your mask, don't let it become you. At the end of the day, don't forget to take the mask off. We're all human, aren't we?
(I'm on a Fire Emblem kick. I'm not apologizing for it.)
In other news, the ISC rewrite prep is going... it's going. I dug up a bunch of antiquated documents and drawings and notes so I'll have to share those later. For some reason, writing goes a lot smoother if I pretend I'm writing another deleted scene or fanfic of someone else's canon story. It takes the pressure off if I tell myself it's all fake and can be changed or erased at any time. ... which is technically true. ISC was never about being serious. It starts off silly and goofy and just gets more fantastically elaborate the further you go with the characters constantly trying to one-up the previous act. I think that's the most charming part of it. Can I preserve that? I don't know. One thing I do know:
Hanna was always the mask.
"A song is reviled if no one should revere it.
So I want you all, yet none at all to hear it.
I've come to love a crowd just so much as fear it.
~
You want perfection? Lost in pursuit of it?
Take my direction, I can lead you to it.
The audience is not your friend, you just love their applause.
If you are familiar with National Novel Writing Month's schedule at all, then you know that October is "plantober". The time for you to plot, plan, put together a playlist, basically do everything except write. All in preparation for November - National Novel Writing Month. The challenge to write a novel's minimum length of words (50,000 words) in 30 days.
Last year was the very first time I reached the goal. I plan to do it again this year with Ice Sword Chronicles.
It's a big deal to me. It's a huge challenge. I told you ISC is my dream and this is how I'm putting those words into action. This November, I'm going to finally write ISC.
"But Savvy, you've said that before. You've tried before and you've always failed."
I know. I'll be honest here, I'm scared. I can't tell you the number of times I've read through ISC, trying to fill in all the missing pieces, the actions, the setting, the plot, the facial expressions, the themes, the narrative, the continuity (what even is that?!). I can't tell you how many times I've started rewriting it only to stop and put it aside.
ISC is my dragon to slay. ISC is my Smaug as well as my Erebor. I want so badly for it to be perfect and whole and finished. Yet I get so scared of ruining it. Will my coauthors like it if I change x? Will readers still enjoy it if I include y? What was this character's true motive? What was that character really trying to say? How much is too much? When will I know if it's enough? If I wait a little longer, maybe we can all get together and keep writing like we used to. If I wait a little longer, maybe the end will reveal itself. If I wait a little longer, maybe my coauthors will finish it for me (abhorrent of me, I know).
We started writing ISC in May of 2009. Most of it was written by December of that year, but the story was not finished. It finally tapered off in 2012 when we could no longer keep up with writing, scheduling, and life. I've been waiting a decade for time to rewind so we can finish what we started. That's never going to happen. If I leave it alone, it will never change. It will never get worse, but it will never get better either. Printed book sets on store shelves, animated shows, movie deals, action figures, tshirts, video games (we dream big, ok?) - none of that can ever happen unless something changes. I'm tired of waiting. I don't have time to keep waiting for the perfect word, the perfect day, the perfect song. I have other stories waiting for me to write them. I have other dreams I want to achieve.
So here's what's gonna happen. Come November, I'll start rewriting. I don't know how much of the story I actually get through, but I will hit the 50k in 30 days mark. I'll win NaNoWriMo again. Maybe I'll get through the whole story. We'll see. The end is still a mystery to me.
(Almost put in a Fire Emblem: Three Houses image because it is SO CLOSE to ISC's Main Character weapons.)
I'm planning to post the sections as I write through them. I haven't decided yet if that means post here or post on ISC's blog. Let me know which you'd prefer with the handy poll on the side.
If you are family and friends, cheer me on. Ask me about my writing. I need the pressure.
If you are my gaming buddies, I'll probably be online less. Or maybe online more as I procrastinate when I should be writing. One of the two.
My coauthors - I have a specific request of you. I'm not going to ask you to read through all of ISC and help rewrite it (again). That's a huge ask and Nov is busy enough as it is with holidays, school, work, and end of year chaos.
What I want is this: as I post the rewrites, let me know what stands out that needs changing. The small stuff - "My character actually has magenta hair." The big stuff - "My character probably wouldn't say/do that, they would say/do this instead." Any ideas for the ending. Anything you've wanted to add or alter. Any helpful ideas or music tracks. Any critiques at all.
I want to be true to your characters. This story is as much mine as it is yours. I have always believed that. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I will try to keep the light-hearted hero vibe, but no promises. I'm also hoping that posting in bite-sized chunks will be easier to read through and give input on than say a 117k word google doc. *cough* FSC *cough*
(Also, I realize Hanna's a pain to deal with... and dramatic... and just awful, but I promise she'll be better.)
Lastly, to everyone, be patient with me and this process. The first draft of anything is going to look bad. It's going to be a hot mess as I figure out continuity and story elements and world building and wrangle the dialog into... something that makes sense. I want to keep as true to the Original as I possibly can, but it may take on a form all it's own (Other?). November will be focused on writing as many words as possible. The months after that are for editing. You can fix anything in editing, but you can't edit a blank page.
I'm done waiting. I'm going to finish what we started. I'm writing for me. For everything ISC can be and more. For Hanna. For Misty. For DJ. For Brady. For Hairam. For Ace. For Jester. For Eve. For Ember. For Iul. For Lui. For Frodo. Whatever it takes.
So I'll ask you again...
How far would you go to protect the ones you love?
And if you want to take a whack at NaNoWriMo this year with me, look me up!
Can we talk about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for a minute? I think we should talk about Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs. Because that explains the large gap in time between posts for me (the decade-ish gap, not the month gap since my last post).
In short, it's a chart someone came up with to describe human needs and their priority. At the bottom you have the very basic necessities: food, water, shelter, clothing, etc.
The next step up is what a human seeks when those first needs are met: physical safety, financial stability, health, connection, etc. After that: deeper social connections, love, belonging. After THAT, you get to self esteem: respect, achievement, self worth, etc.
The final tier is self actualization: the highest form of potential a human can reach for. The big questions in life. Morality, purpose, meaning, imagination, creativity.
I'm sure you could google it and look through all the research on it, but the premise is this: a person can't focus on the next tier of needs unless the previous needs are met. A person isn't going to reach for the stars until their terrestrial life is safe and fulfilled. (I'm sure I butchered it, but you get the idea.)
Growing up, it is the hope that children have all these needs met already by their parents/guardians. Children shouldn't have to worry about food, safety, money, etc. They are safe and fulfilled and free to learn, explore, and imagine.
As we grow into adults, we become the ones fulfilling these needs for ourselves. We have to make sure these needs are still met and then turn around and provide them for the next generation.
The ideal scenario is that every human is able to reach their full potential. A beautiful dream. The reality is a bit harsher. I don't know that a lot of people get to reach their full potential. I think too many of us are stuck still trying to fulfill the basic needs.
I've seen a lot of people call it survivial mode. I can understand that. Between the pandemic, the economy, the politics, the wars, and the social ruptures ON TOP of the everyday demands of work, family, friends, and general self upkeep, it's no wonder most of us are a hair's bredth from losing our ever loving minds at any given moment. It's no wonder we live one day to the next looking for the next break, the next rest, the next shoe to drop. It's no wonder we go to bed at night utterly exhausted and wake up the next morning unsure of what day it is because they all feel the same. It's a hard cycle to get out of. Maybe some of us never get out of it. But we still have to try.
I digress. I don't want this to be another dismal post. Some are able to climb through the needs and reach that top tier. Some fight for that top tier even when the other needs aren't met and we applaud them all the more for it. Eminem's Lose Yourself, Dolly Parton's Nine to Five, Loverboy's Workin for the Weekend. Maslow's Heirarchy of needs isn't a new concept. I didn't learn it in college. I learned it in business.
My point with bringing it up is this. It's really hard to get to the creative and fun things in life if you're barely making it through the day. If you spend an hour or two in transportation to work every day, work a demanding and stressful job for 7-10 hours, then come home to more responsibilities, you don't have the time, energy, or creativity to do anything but survive. And the worst thing you can do is berate yourself for not being able to be as creative as you want. It's taken me a solid 8-10 years to get to a point where I can write again. There were days I wanted to write, but didn't have the energy. Or when I had the energy, I didn't have the time. And if by some miracle I had both, I had no creativity left to spend. Most days, I didn't feel like writing. Most days, I didn't think I had anything worth sharing. It's a hard pit to climb out of. I had a lot of help. I put in a lot of work to better myself so I could better my position. Now, I have time, I have energy, and I have support. Only recently have I been able to get the creativity going again.
The stories I abandoned haunted me. My characters left unfinished whisper in my ear. I think they've been slow cooking on the back burner long enough. Don't you? At the moment, I will write while I am able. I want to breathe life into my stories and let them walk free. That's not to say another cataclysmic life event won't knock me down again. I'm sure it will. And when it does, I'll get back up. I have to.
The world may be cruel and unforgiving, but now I know my place in it. I'm a writer. I spent so many years trying to figure out what I was good at. Trying to find a purpose. I don't know if I'll ever be a good writer. At least I can be good enough. I don't know if anyone will ever read what I write, but that's okay. What I do know is that I need to finish what I started. After that, we'll see where the road takes me.
On that note, I have a few changes I want to make.
1. I miss the person I was 10 years ago. I'll bring her back. It's time to put away the mask. If you see more online activity from me, that's why.
2. My websites need an update. Desperately. (Looking at you, non-https web address.) Whether that means creating a new site or moving the blog, I'm not entirely sure yet. I know for a fact the ISC fb page is full of bots now so that's on the docket too. Again, not sure what the play is right now, but I'll figure something out.
3. Ice Sword Chronicles is my dream. I'll get it written. I'll finish the prequels. I'll finish the sequels. I'll get them published. It won't die with me.
It will be a very long road ahead to get these changes into place. I can only take it one day at a time. The changes won't happen overnight, as much as I would love for them to. I've put off these dreams long enough. I'm going to accomplish them with or without your help. Because at the end of the day, I'm not doing them for you.
I'm writing for me.
That said, I'm not an idiot. If you would like to help or have tips, I won't turn you down. I need all the help and support I can get. :p
If you made it this far, congrats! You can read the first two re-written sections of Hanna's Prequel here!
