Sunday, January 28, 2024

To Be Better - Miracle of Sound

 



Happy New Year, friends.


I hope the start of your year has gone well. If this post seems a bit late, I needed a break after the end of last year. I needed to find other hobbies, focus on new priorities, and renew different areas of my life. Tis the season of beginnings, isn’t it? Resolutions, renewals, rebirths, resets, and restarts. The new year brings a sense of something clean and fresh. An opportunity to do better. To be better. 



In order to grasp the new, sometimes we need to let go of the old and that can be challenging. Old clothes, old habits, old memories, old coping methods, old relationships, old environments. These things may have fulfilled a purpose in the past, but if they no longer serve us or help us, they need to be let go. If they are not helping us grow into the new person we are trying to be, we need to replace them with things that will. But it is oh so comfortable staying where we are, isn't it? I don’t particularly like change, but if I don’t act and work to change for the better, that only guarantees things will stay the same or change for the worse. Stagnation is only avoided through change. I want to be better. So I must change. 



I did not start off the year planning resolutions to keep, but I ended up with a long list of things I want to accomplish anyway. Things I want to do before next January. I broke those goals down into what I’d like to achieve within 6 months. Broke that down into monthly goals. Broke those down into weekly goals. All the way down until I had a list of daily things to work on. Have I met all those goals every single day? No, but every day I can start again. I have something to aim for every day that I know will help me improve over time if I stick with it. Some days I don’t meet all my goals. Some days I surpass my goals and do extra. But every day, I try. Just keep trying. Who knows, maybe next year I’ll be a better person than I am this year. Maybe next week I’ll be a better person than I am this week. Maybe I can be a better person today than I was yesterday. 



In terms of new story posts, there are no story posts. I have not done much writing since November and the writing I have done isn’t great. I still have story ideas and scenes and writing prompts pop up so I know I’m not free of this calling yet. While some of the new Ice Sword Chronicles content is great, there are parts of it that don’t feel right. Something’s not clicking the way it should or the way I want it to. If you’ve read it and there are parts of it you don’t like, guess what? There are parts of it I don’t like either. I was debating whether to finish out the editing for what I have (over 50k words) and post it or completely start over (again). As my wonderful and inspiring co-author Misty reminded me, it’s still a rough draft. The time I spent rewriting ISC hasn’t been wasted. If anything, I’m still laying the foundation for a better future draft. 90% of ISC is silly banter dialog. Misty compared my effort to an animator trying to make a whole movie, but only having the voice actor bits to work with (which was spot on). I suppose at some point I’ll finish posting the rest of ISC Part One, but I need a writing break right now. 



Instead, I picked up a new (old) hobby. My amazing, supportive, spectacular husband and lovely, awesome in-laws got me a keyboard for Christmas. ^_^ Due to lack of time and various other circumstances, I haven’t touched (much less practiced with) a piano in probably close to 7(-ish?) years. Some of the knowledge is there, but the skill is gone. When I sit down to play, it feels like I’m starting completely over. I don’t know how to read notes. Yes, I “studied” it, but I also cheated a lot through playing by ear (sorry, years of piano teachers (OO) ). When I pick up sheet music to play, I am illiterate. I have to start from the beginning. I have to learn the keys and how to properly read them this time. I have to stumble my way through the simplest children's songs. Yeah, it is incredibly embarrassing and frustrating. It’s easy to berate myself for losing this skill. “I should know this” “Why am I struggling with this”. No one likes starting over. But starting over is also the only way I’m going to improve. Practice. Keep trying. “Everyone starts somewhere” “You’re doing better today than you were yesterday” “You can do it”. I noticed it makes a difference when you WANT to learn something. And I do want to learn. So I’ll keep practicing. I’ll keep trying. I'll get better. 



Along with these New Year’s goals, I’ve got the usual list of things to improve: spiritual health, physical health, financial health, mental health, etc. You’ve heard it before. You probably have those goals yourself. Just keep trying. You can do it. In thinking about these things, and the concept of starting over as a whole, I wrote a song. I already put that song in a separate post because this one is long enough as it is (check previous post). Either way, thanks for stopping by, friend. I appreciate you.


~ Always Hope~




Quick recap of all my current writing projects:


Ice Sword Chronicles (ISC)


Ice Sword Chronicles is the story I started with my co-authors (DJ, Misty, Brady, and others) back in high school. It started from a game (wrong answers to obvious questions) and I decided I was going to turn this thing into a book. Or several books. Rewriting this is what I worked on in November during National Novel Writing Month in 2023. My plan is to split this into 3 main story parts/books. I finished writing the first part last year. This is the story that haunts me and that I have determined I will get published some day or die trying. All current story content can be found at this blog link: https://iceswordchronicles.blogspot.com

Ice Sword Chronicles blurb:

Hanna is a super-powered hero with a dark past she doesn’t remember. When her friends get kidnapped by an evil villain, will her resolve be enough to rescue them? Little does Hanna know, this simple rescue operation will lead to the discovery of a mirror dimension, new friends, new enemies, dragons, and a battle between good and evil the likes of which she has never before encountered. The fate of multiple worlds hangs in the balance. Can Hanna overcome the darkness of her past? Will she rescue her friends in time? Will her decisions save humanity or doom it to destruction? How far would you go to protect the ones you love?


Fire Sword Chronicles (FSC)


Fire Sword Chronicles is the sequel to ISC, set 13 years later. Not currently available to the public (but if you want to read it, ask and I’ll send you a link). This was the book/story I worked on when I won National Novel Writing Month in 2022. This is the golden child of my writing non-career because it’s the first story that came together and was written start-to-finish in one go with minimal editing. Which is hilarious to me because the story focuses on one of the most troublesome, problematic characters in all of ISC (yes, I'm looking at you, EDJ). Frustrations immortalized in comic form below. I guess that means this story is technically finished, but is sitting in editing limbo while I work on the others.

Fire Sword Chronicles blurb:

A retired group of heroes must come together when one of their own goes missing. After saving the world once years ago, they realize the peace they established has been a facade and evil has continued to grow in spite of their efforts. Can they save their world a second time? Can they save their friend from certain doom? What would you do to protect the ones you love?



Frozen Memoirs (FM):

History of Hanna

Frozen Memoirs is a prequel to ISC, exploring the history of my main character (Hanna). Starts at her creation as an Other and follows her path as she goes from training to be a thief and assassin to being captured and genetically experimented on to finally becoming the leader of a superhuman hero organization shortly before the start of ISC. All story content for FM (including new rewritten content) can be found here: https://hannaprequel.blogspot.com

Frozen Memoirs blurb:

Hanna. A girl plagued by present struggles and an unknown history. Is she good or evil? Friend or foe? Caring or hateful? Weak or strong? Hero or villain? Maybe all of the above. You decide.


Spark


Spark is another prequel to ISC set between FM and ISC while also following a storyline congruent with the main events of ISC. This is the newest story in the lot and one I have the least amount of writing in thus far. This is meant to be a shorter story than the previous three and is meant to fill in some blanks with one of the characters in ISC. I’m not saying any more than that because: 1 - I don’t have a whole lot to go off of, 2 - I don’t want to give away any spoilers (though I have a feeling my co-authors can guess which character this story is about). Not open to the public and no story blurb. 


The Promised Land

The Promised Land is a completely independent story about a girl who wakes up in a post-apocalyptic future where she has to figure out how to survive with the help of a pair of super-powered twins. Main characters are Eden, Caden (Blitz), and Shiloh (Boomer). I started this story in college and plan to get back to (re)writing it after I get through a bunch of the ISC writing. I have a lot of new ideas I’d like to implement and it’s overdue for attention. Most of the story content can be found here: https://tpleden.blogspot.com

The Promised Land blurb:

Ordinary American college sophomore, Eden Teknia’s world turns inside out when she suddenly finds herself in a post-apocalyptic future. In a land where biological warfare is the norm, Eden’s path to save her own skin follows a pair of gifted twins, a secret parcel, and a mysterious nomad. Living with the infected inhabitants gives Eden a new perspective when she faces the ultimate question: What really matters in the end?



Saturday, January 27, 2024

It's okay to start over


It's okay to start over


It’s okay to start over

It's okay if you get knocked right off your feet 

Every dawn will bring a new day and a new way 

to get up from your defeat

It's okay to start over 


It's okay if the grind has worn you down

I know the Father of beginning and He's willing 

To still make you new somehow

It's okay to start over



Verse 1:

Life has a funny way of turning things around. 

Today you're on top of that mountain

Tomorrow, face down in the ground


I don't really know why it always pours when it rains 

when we're already drowning in the heartache

and in sickness and in pain. 


But for every last one of your reasons

to give up and to give in

There's a hope inside. It will be alright,

If you can find the strength to begin. 

It's okay to start over


Chorus:

It's okay if you get knocked right off your feet 

Every dawn will bring a new day and a new way 

to get up from your defeat

It's okay to start over 


It’s okay if the shadows darken your road

I know the Father of light can still guide the sightless 

And shepherd you back to the fold

It’s okay to start over


Verse 2:

No one wants to go all the way back to square one

The progress you made can feel worthless

After all of the work you’ve done


I don’t really know why the lessons come with a price

But the knowledge can be the foundation

For the future of your life


Now the sands of time slip through your fingers

No matter the path you go

You can’t take it back, but start where you’re at

The ending is not written in stone

Sometimes you have to start over


Chorus:

It's okay if you get knocked right off your feet 

Every dawn will bring a new day and a new way 

to get up from your defeat

It’s okay to start over


It’s okay if you have no strength to stand

I know the Father of the living is forgiving

And He’s reaching for your hand

It’s okay to start over. 


Bridge:

It's hard to let go of the dreams that you've sown

When life tears them from your hand. 

Everything that you touch turns to ashes and dust

And it’s not the way you planned.


I know you gave it your best shot

And you still don't understand, 

But it's okay to start over.


It’s okay to ask forgiveness when you fail.

I know the Father of mercies and comfort

Can still help you to prevail.

Promise me you’ll start over


Promise me you’ll keep looking for the light

When the darkness surrounds you, tries to drown you, 

You will not give up your fight

It’s okay to start over


It's okay if you get knocked right off your feet 

Every dawn with bring a new day and a new way 

to get up from your defeat

It's okay to start over 


It's okay if the grind has worn you down

I know the Father of beginning and He's willing 

To still make you new somehow

It's okay to start over


It's okay to start over

Friday, December 22, 2023

Until The World Ends - Arch Tremors



"Through the tender mercy of our God, With which the Dayspring from on high has visited us;

To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, To guide our feet into the way of peace.”

‭Luke‬ ‭1:78‭-‬79‬ ‭NKJV‬

I apologize if my last post caught a few of you off guard. The loss caught me off guard too. I suppose it should not have. I had been talking SilverAngel down from the ledge for a while. In the end, I could not save my friend's life. I tried. I failed. The guilt for this failure is not on me. I know I alone am inadequate. I've had the awareness and prevention trainings. I know the signs. I've seen the numbers. I can listen to you. I can give you a place to vent. I can tell you it will get better all day long, but it won't make a difference if you don't believe me. If you find yourself in the valley of hopelessness and despair, please seek professional help. Here are a few resources: 

Call or text at any time - 988

https://sprc.org/

https://rogersbh.org/

https://www.kindmindcounseling.org/

Please utilize them. There is no shame in asking for help. You have people who love you and care about you and want you to stay. I'm one of them. I care if one more light goes out. Please don't let the darkness win. Life is worth living, even when it isn't perfect. 

I miss my friend, but I need to keep going. The living need my attention. The storms of life rage on and I need to help pick up the pieces where I can. I need to finish what I started. I need to focus on the next right thing. 

There were good things that happened this year. Great things, even. But sad things happened too. Gotta take the sunshine with the rain. You need both to grow. If this year was not a good one for you, there is still next year. There is still tomorrow. There is today. It's not too late. It's never too late to change. It's never too late to be better.  

As we close out this year, I am so thankful for many things. I am grateful for the patience, kindness, and mercies of the One True King. I am grateful for the Hope that is in me, the Light that keeps me going. I am grateful for the family and friends that have been by my side through everything this year. I'm grateful for my coworkers and current work environment. I'm grateful for my puppies who still love me when I trip over them. I'm grateful for the new adventures I've been on this year and the courage to try new things. I'm grateful for my husband. 

(Princess Mononoke) 

My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. Through better and worse. Through sickness and health. Through life and loss. I don't talk about him enough. Partly because that's a side of me you have no business knowing, but also because of this fear that if I talk about something important, something bad will happen to it. Like the fb curse for relationships. What I have is precious and sacred and very dear to me. I will not part with it for anyone or anything. 

(Howl's Moving Castle)

Our love may not look like big bouquets or fancy dinners or flashy jewelry. Romcoms are corny and PDA is still sappy. Instead, our love looks like stargazing in freezing temps. It's building lego sets together. It's playing video games together. It's loud duets with each other from separate rooms. It's cooking dinner and washing the dishes. It's making sure the car tank is full and the groceries are put away and the trash is taken out. It's waking up at 1 in the morning to take care of the dogs then getting up at 4 for work. It's calling each other when you are physically apart and staying on the phone for hours, even if you don't say anything at all. It's asking "what can I do for you" until you run out of things to do and still looking for things to do anyway. It's whispering "I love you" every chance you have to say it and mean it every time. It's staring into the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my entire life for as long as I live. 

(Tales from Earthsea)

You cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. You cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.  He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we're perfect together. I would follow you to the end, Forever & Always. 

"In the end I wanna be standing 

At the Beginning with you."




"When the rain falls down

When it all turns around

When the light goes out, this isn't the end

~

How close to the ending? Well, nobody knows

The future's a mystery and anything goes

Love is confusing and life is hard

You fight to survive cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend

It's just the beginning, this isn't the end."

This Isn’t The End - Owl City

(Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind)

~ Always Hope ~

Monday, December 4, 2023

Hurt - Johnny Cash

 



For you, SA. I even kept the tears out.


As much as I would love to tell you that life is full of smiles and rainbows and lollipops, that would be a lie. I am trying so hard to find the light in everything. In everyone. The truth is, it still rains. It is still dark. It is still winter. It still hurts. I know I need to accept both sides of life - the dark and the light, the sunshine and the rain, the joy and the sorrow.



I lost a friend. I am heartbroken. I am devastated. It was unfair. It was tragic. It was avoidable. Sometimes, I can laugh and smile and think about other things. Sometimes, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding. I have cried every day since they left. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to listen to music so loud it ruptures my ear drums. I want to sit in absolute silence without ever hearing another note. I want to write a thousand books. I never want to pick up a pen again. Am I going to lose someone I care about every year?



I once read that the scars go as deep as the love. What a broken way to measure love. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I couldn't feel a thing. I guess that's what you get when you let your heart win. That's what I get for letting the icy thing melt. It has become soft and vulnerable. It hurts. Everything hurts. Every time my heart breaks, I stitch it back together. And then we go again. Like a rundown car. It breaks over everything. Over everyone. 



I went to get groceries. I shoved my earbuds in and listened to Linkin Park, because that's the only thing I can listen to when my heart is broken. Out of courtesy, I stop the music as I approach the till. The cashier wears an all too familiar golden ring on a silver chain. "Is that the One Ring?" I ask. 

"YES!" Their face lights up with a huge grin. They immediately launch into a story about how they're planning to give it to a friend who is moving away because, in their little friend group, they are Sam and the friend is Frodo. We smile and laugh and, for a moment, the world is beautiful and wonderful and unmarred. Then I get to my car and cry. Why does that matter so much to me?



I wrote a story last year to help me through my grief and loss. Why am I surprised that, right this very second, that's the story I want to read again? That's not how grief is supposed to work. I'm supposed to be over this. I'm supposed to be resilient. Strong. Unbreakable. Life doesn't work like that. Not at all. Healing is a lot of back and forth. One step forward, three steps back. No matter what, always press forward. Being strong isn't being unbreakable. It's when you are broken over and over again, but you keep going anyway. You won’t find any condemnation from me for breaking, but please don’t give up. 



It’s okay. I will be okay. I’m still eating and sleeping and going outside. I have a support system and healthy coping mechanisms and people I can talk to. This post isn’t to worry you or warn you or even inform you. I didn’t write it for any of those reasons. I wrote it to help me heal. I’m writing it to remind myself that it’s okay to listen to sad music as well as happy music. There is still a sunrise on the horizon and it will be beautiful again, even if all I can see is rain. I’m writing to remind myself to keep my heart soft. To let this make me even more compassionate and loving to others. But for now, for one split-second, let me mourn the soul of my friend. 


“I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair

It doesn't care, it arbitrarily cuts off your air

And like you, I want someone to say it's okay

But in the truest part of our hearts, everybody's afraid

We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed

Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves

You understand what I'm saying, 'cause you always did

But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid”

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor 


Proverbs 17:17



Because it makes me feel better, can I share my favorite parts of last year’s story with you? You don’t have to read them, but they help me pull myself forward. For anyone who actually has a copy of the story, you've had enough time to read it by now. To everyone else, I’ve edited out the names and context so as not to spoil too much. That's the only spoiler warning you'll get.


***

It hurts

“I know.” 

I don’t want to keep hurting… But I don’t want it to stop either.

“It’s never going to stop. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you don’t… You learn to live with it.”

How?

“You learn to float through the waves. You find a piece of wreckage or a memory or another person and hang on for dear life. When the waves come, they will be a thousand feet high and crash down every two seconds. Everything you see will remind you. You won’t even have a chance to breathe... But over time… the waves will get further apart. Over time, they get smaller and you’ll be able to see them coming. And every time they crash over you, you’ll come out the other side... Still hanging on. You learn to float through them.”

The waves never stop?

“The waves never stop.”

***

“He looks broken.”

“Hm, that’s ‘cause ‘e is. To love someone that deeply takes a lotta courage, because ye know one day they’ll be gone. That’s a scar ‘e’ll carry ferever.”

“What’s the point? Why open yourself up to such damage at all? I thought the point of life was to avoid weakness.”

“Life’s gonna hit ya no matter what ya do. It ain’t a matter o’ weakness. The point is ya can’t go through it alone. Ya need people to survive. So what if they leave scars? The scars are a reminder they meant somethin’. When it’s yer time, you’ll leave scars too. I think… if yer lucky, you’ll have a lot of scars when it’s all said and done. Or unlucky. Honestly, he’s pro’bly one of the strongest men I know.” 

“Why?”

“Cause he’ll still choose to be broken.” 

***

“I’m not going to hold his mistakes over him.” 

“Maybe you should.” Always seeing the good in people. Always seeing the light. It’s your biggest fault. 

It’s a gift

***

"I thought the pain would go away… I thought I could finally fix it. I did everything I could and it still didn’t matter! It still hurts!” 

“It’s okay. Let it out. You’re safe.” 

“How did you move on?” 

“I didn’t. I didn’t move on. I didn’t leave her behind or forget. I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t want to forget her smile or her laugh or her tears.” 

“It hurts too much to remember.”

“I want to. I’m going to remember her every day if it kills me. I just don’t want to do it alone.” 

“You’re not alone.”




~ Always Hope ~