(A long-lost poem I wrote 10+ years ago about an angel helping out a struggling believer return to the light. I might rewrite it one day, but this is the original.)
(I feel like I should post a disclaimer because I actually dislike the movie Castaway. It's a great movie, but the ice skate scene freaked me out as a child. This song is lovely and hits the message I want to send so I'm sending it.)
I leave seashells for people. Not literal ones. Not usually.
My way of keeping up with and interacting with friends is sporadic and inconsistent at best. One week, my focus may be on one friend and then next week it's on a completely different friend. Or maybe it's on a family member or a coworker or a church member or a stranger or even myself. My attention is pulled in so many different directions and the number of directions is always increasing. To help combat this, if I see, hear, or find something that reminds me of someone, I will try to reach out to them in that moment. I will leave them a meme, a song, a quote, a physical object, a letter, or some other type of message. It's my way of saying, "This reminded me of you. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're okay."
I don't ever expect an immediate response. I don't expect a response at all, most of the time. Life is busy. People have bigger priorities than me. They are also being pulled in a million directions. The last thing I want to be is a distraction. Some of them may not even remember me by the time I actually reach out. My goal isn't a response. My goal is to brighten their day.
I've left folded paper swans in airports for complete strangers I never saw again. I've left messages on public chalkboards of places I visit, not knowing who they will reach. I leave thank you notes, flowers, songs, and smiles. I leave a seashell and move on with the hope that, one day, maybe someone will return and see the little collection of seashells I left while they were gone. Maybe they'll return. Maybe they won't. Either way, I still leave seashells.
I want them to know that someone somewhere out there still cares. Someone still remembers your presence. Someone still remembers the way your face lit up when you got your first motorcycle, the pain in your voice as you told me about your divorce, the look of gratitude as I brought you your favorite energy drink, the smile when you got silly emoji golf balls for Christmas. Someone still remembers your sub order because you ordered the same exact thing every single time you came in. Someone still remembers the cake flavor at your wedding. Someone still remembers how hard it was for you to be away from your family while we worked on a fire in Wyoming so we'd go on group coffee runs while the sky was still dark. Someone still remembers you are deathly allergic to pine trees and lillies and walnuts and red meat and peanut butter and cats. Someone still remembers your favorite color. Someone still remembers your deepest fear. Someone still remembers how hard you worked to get yourself through college so you could get your dream job only for that job to turn into a nightmare. Someone still remembers the crack in your voice as you pointed to the ink in your skin and explained what it meant to you. And the reason why you gauged your ears. And why you dyed your hair pink. And why you wear an orange ribbon. And why you love cardinals. Someone remembers when you lost your daughter. Someone remembers when you lost your mom. Someone still remembers your name. Someone somewhere out there still cares, even if they are terribly inconsistent at communicating it.
I don't think I am alone in this. I have been left seashells too. A text, a call, a song, a meme, a note, a letter, a bouquet of flowers. A ray of sunshine on a rainy day. People paid for my order without knowing who it was that benefitted. People gave me stickers. People took an interest in what I am interested in and acted on it. People have looked at me and seen the potential I did not see in myself. They encouraged me to be better. So when that random thought comes up, "I wonder how they're doing," reach out. Leave a seashell. Start with people you know, but don't let it end there. You never know what impact you'll have. Be light. Be salt. Be the example you would follow. In a world where you can choose kindness, don't choose to be anything less.
I will keep leaving seashells. May you see the little collection and remember that someone somewhere still cared long after I'm gone. Be that someone too.
The first weekday of September is the first day of school in Ukraine. They used to start off the school year with parades. Every child was dressed in matching uniforms - the boys in multipiece suits and the girls with fluffy white bows in their hair. Flowers, flags, and balloons were everywhere. Now, their classrooms are in subway bunkers to keep the children and teachers safe from missiles.
The day the twin towers fell is another big one in September. It always feels weird when people plan ordinary, daily life things on 9/11. I don't consider myself superstitious, but that date will always have a shadow hanging over it.
September is the month of my parents' anniversary. 40 years of marriage before he passed. Imagine that.
September is the month my husband and I started dating. What hopeful children we were then.
September holds the birthdays of several family, friends, and coworkers.
There's even an international talk like a pirate day in September.
September is a lot of things.
There are many reasons to celebrate in September and perhaps just as many reasons not to. That is not unique to this month, of course. But just as the beginning of the year marks renewal, beginnings, starts, and adventures yet to come, so the end of the year is marked with remembrance, solemn observation, and honoring adventures that have ended. And it always seems to start in September.
I could wear a hundred different colored ribbons up and down both arms to bring awareness to all the things I care about and it still would not be enough.
Whether you celebrate or not... Whether you observe, advocate, participate, bring awareness, or prefer to remain silent... may September be a month of hope, joy, love, peace, kindness, and gentleness to you and your loved ones.
May it be a reminder to hold your loved ones tight and tell them how much they mean to you. Rain or shine. In a world of cruelty, choose kindness.
"You hear people say, 'Well, they put up the good fight.' I understand that. I know what they're saying. But to somebody who has cancer, when you say, 'they're putting up a fight', to me, it implies that if I put forth more effort, I can win. That there is always an opportunity for me to defeat this and the only reason I wouldn't is because of lack of effort. It's not a fight. It's survival. You're trying to survive. You're the fox that is caught in a trap and trying to free its paw. That's where you are. You’re not fighting. You're trying to save your life."
~ David Motl
"I can feel 'em watching me while I'm learning to survive
Staring at my broken will that I'm too tired to hide
So many demons I can't escape
Burning my bridges to light the way
I can feel 'em watching me but I'll make it out alive
I spend far too much time thinking about my characters. What they would say, what they would think, how they would act. What are their motivations? What are their dreams? What are their fears? What are their expectations of the other characters? I imagine their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their quirks. What do they do in their spare time? What are their favorite foods? How do they act in private vs in public? What are their core values? If they play instruments (most of them do, shocker) what do they play? What are their habits (good, bad, or otherwise)?
I don't know if my characters are relatable to other people. The inner critic in me says the characters aren't unique enough. It says they all sound the same. They act irrationally. Their power levels are too high. Their secrets are obvious. They are predictable. They lean too heavily on overused tropes. They aren't realistic.
Then I have to remind my inner critic that this is a piece of fiction, that art can be interpreted in a million unexpected ways, and that the only one here setting unrealistic expectations is myself.
Of course every character sounds the same in my head, that's where they live. Bringing them to life is giving a piece of myself to each one of them to hold on to. Yes, they were initially created by my co-authors. Yes, some of them are based on characteristics of real people I know. But if I'm writing them, they're going to sound like me in some form or fashion anyway. I can't help that. (Is that what editors are for?)
I do my best to mitigate it. They are unique individuals in their own right. Each with different backgrounds, motives, and speech patterns. I try to put myself in their shoes. If a, b,c happened to me, how would I react to d, e, f? If I grew up in an environment of 1, 2, 3, how would that shape my beliefs and perception of the world? Why does x have a beef with z? Why does z get along so well with y?
Some characters I don't know the full backstories of so I've had to make assumptions based on the parts I do know. With some characters, I go: if this happened to my friend George, how would George react? (: Yeah. It's a lot of assumptions. Turns out I don't really know people that well. Even the best of friends will surprise me. I will never fully know what another person is thinking or going through. All I can do is guess and empathize (or ask, I suppose (OO) ). The only person I really know is me. I don't achieve 50% of my own expectations, how would I meet anyone else's?
This is getting off track. After writing two entire (more or less) stories, the characters are pretty well set in their ways. There is room for variance, but their personalities are consistent now. I thought it'd be cool to give you a look at how I keep them separate.
For starters, they each have their own music playlist. If I want a quick way to get into a specific headspace, to the playlists I go. When I see other fictional characters (movies, tv shows, books, etc.), I like to compare them to mine. "Oh, this character reminds me of mine when they do, say, wear..." fill in blank.
Because I'm a visual person, sometimes it's easier to pull up someone else's existing character for reference on something I have not personally experienced. For instance, if I'm writing two brothers, I pull up fictional brothers and watch how they act. Granted, I've watched how brothers act in real life too, but the additional references help. Some stuff I don't need references for. Like Hanna. I have plenty of references for how she looks. But as far as how she acts and thinks? I don’t need anyone's help with that.
The following is a list of references I go to when I'm trying to pin down a specific personality. This list is not exhaustive by any means. I could only use 6 pics at a time. (I also left out some super obvious ones.) See how many characters you recognize! Enjoy!
Hanna
Non-quote (a phrase the character has never officially said, but sums them up pretty well):
"I don't know what I'm looking for, but I have to keep looking. Like homesickness for a place I've never been to or a place I can't return to. I can't explain why... but being around him always felt like being home."
Misty
Healer. Leader. Helper.
"How do you know it won't work if you never try? No use moping over a situation if you aren't going to do anything to change it."
DJ
Determination. Defender. Damage per second.
"What you do matters. You have to keep believing that. Even if you're the last one still fighting, don't give up. It matters. Even if you're the only one it matters to."
EDJ
20% evil. 80% charisma. 100% chaos.
"If you have the chance to be truly happy, take it before someone else takes it from you."
Lui
Red mage. Green flag. Pocketful of sunshine.
"Humans should be treated like humans, no matter whatever else they may be."
Brady
The solution to user error.
"The potential you humans have is immeasurable, if only you would live up to it."
Shard
Actually evil.
"The only value a life has is determined by how much you can extract from it before it is extinguished."
It would be funny to see whether or not you agree with my list or if you think I'm totally off base in comparing these personalities to the original ISC characters. This is the best way I've found to help me keep my characters IN character. It's been 15 years. The characters are not who they started out as. They aren't being written by their Original authors. Just me. And me is doing the best she can. They make sense to me. With any luck, they'll make sense to the readers too. Here's hoping. At the end of the day, books are always flammable.
"We spent the whole day shopping, but all she got was a picture."
Connection
Show me the peach sunshine rays at sunrise and the marmalade sunset skies.
Show me the velvet flower petals dressed in dew beside fern and moss.
Show me the trees clawing their way toward radiance and their multicolored leaves blanketing the earth.
Show me the whiskers and wet snout of the animal companion on your daily walks.
Show me the endless streams, rivers, lakes, and oceans you visit to escape the summer's sweltering heat.
Show me the double rainbow you found after a torrential spring shower and the crystalline snowflakes caught on your cotton scarf.
Show me the landmarks I've never seen and the history I've never read when you go adventuring. Teach me the little known facts. Expand my vocabulary of concepts.
Show me the cover of the book you last shed tears over. Show me so I can learn the lessons you did within its pages.
Show me the playlist you pull up in the car and the station you turn to when you can no longer abide the ear-splitting silence. Let me hear the notes of the melody attached to your most precious memory.
Show me the yellowed recipe card handwritten by your great-grandmother so I too can prepare your favorite meal. Teach me the house rules of the games you grew up playing.
Show me the collection of teacups and seashells and pins and coins from foreign nations.
Show me the fingerprint-laced mug of clay and the canvas filled with your uneven brushstrokes.
Show me the table you sanded down and varnished, the dress you sewed with curtain fabric, and the miniature model you glued together and painted.
Show me the steaming loaf of bread fresh from the oven and the crooked wooden spoon carved with your blade.
Show me, not because they are perfect, but because you are the one who made them.
Show me the bright smiles and squinting, starry eyes when you gather with long lost friends and beloved family members.
Show me the laughing faces from your last celebration forever frozen on film.
Show me your milestones, anniversaries, and days of remembrance.
Show me your greatest accomplishment.
Show me your deepest loss.
Show me all the ways we are different.
Show me all the ways we are alike.
Show me there is a light in the abyss of darkness.
Show me we can choose joy and peace over bitterness and war.
Show me we can choose compassion and kindness over cruelty and hatred.
Show me we can choose goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and gentleness in a universe screeching division, deception, degradation, and destruction.
Show me your faith and why you believe it.
Show me what brings you hope.
Show me love.
(Alt title: the only reason I still use social media)
Video games! I enjoy video games. They are what I do in my free time. At the end of the day, after work and chores are done, with the little energy I have before bed, I reach for a console controller.
If it's been a particularly rough or draining day, I pull up a single-player game. If I'm feeling social, I'll jump into a multi-player game and see who else is online. I have several different consoles and I play several different games. It's a form of entertainment.
What amazes me is the impact these games can have. A story in a book can get turned into a video game. A movie can get turned into a video game. A number of board games are also video games. A game can get turned into a movie or tv series or a book (you go, Scott Cawthon). I especially enjoy the subculture of musicians who make video game-based music. Not just the background scores (which are amazing and beautiful), but lyrical pieces that can apply even outside of their intended video game context.
Most games are driven by stories, though they don't have to be. A game can start out as one little character trying to find a dungeon in the middle of the woods with relatively no story at all. And several iterations of the game later, you have a world of interesting characters, epic villains, and cutscenes where the game is heavily story driven. A game's story can be all of: "please protect our village from giant monsters and use their parts to make better weapons so you can fight even bigger monsters." Sometimes the game is about how long you can survive in a specific setting or overcome an incredibly difficult challenge. But these games all started out as an idea someone took the time to develop and share with the world.
Communities are built around those ideas and stories. Friendships are made through those connections. We're in a weird period of time where the majority of people my age grew up playing at least one video game or are familiar with them in concept, even if they never play them.
If I say, "War never changes," a large group of people know that's the opening line from Fallout.
If I say, "Hey, you're finally awake," those are the opening lines in Skyrim.
"Eyes up, Guardian," - Destiny
"Hey, listen!" - Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
"You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
"Our princess is in another castle" - Mario
"The cake is a lie" - Portal
"Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer" - Darkest Dungeon
"Flawless victory" - Mortal Kombat
"So, you want to hear a story, eh?" - Borderlands
"A wild (insert name here) appears!" - Pokemon (all of them)
"Stay a while and listen" - Diablo
"Lettuce away" - Fire Emblem: Three Houses
(Okay, that one was more of a meme, but moving on...)
There are many different types of games: scary games, puzzle games, farming games, real life simulators (farming, hunting, fishing, flying, truck driving, powerwashing, etc.), platform games, role playing games, strategy games, survival games, sports games, dungeon crawler games, the list goes on and on and on. In this day and age with digital downloads, if you aren't enjoying a game, you can easily switch to a different one without ever leaving the house. *salute to Gamestops and secondhand game shops everywhere*
I played Super Mario, Legend of Zelda, Spyro, Megaman, Lego Island, and Crash Banicoot games with my siblings. I played Half-Life, Doom, Heart of Darkness, Tomb Raider, King's Quest, Command and Conquer, and Castlevania with my father. My husband and I played through all of the Halo games while we dated. We've played tons of video games together since then. I've played plenty of games on my own too. I've played single-player, couch co-op, multi-player, and massive multi-player online games. I've played Fire Emblem, Hollow Knight, Runescape, Luigi's Mansion, Guildwars 2, Portal, Lords of the Fallen, Minecraft, Stardew Valley, and almost every Lego game out there.
Platformers and creative games are typically my jam, but I also enjoy first person shooters, puzzles, and action adventure games. Btw, if you enjoy platformers, go play Ori and the Blind Forest (and its sequel, Will of the Wisps). They are excellent. I go back and play through both games every few years just to relive the story. Makes me cry every time.
Surprisingly, I didn't love and play Destiny for the looter-shooter aspect. My husband handed me the controller in the middle of a Player vs Player match with his friends and said, "Keep me alive." (I hid under a rock and died instantly when I was found). The mic was hot, but I didn't dare breathe a word, worried about what his friends would say when they found out their friend got swapped out with a girl. After that encounter, I played Destiny specifically so I could get gud and be useful the next time something like that happened.
His friends turned out to be super chill and welcoming, by the way. When I got my own console, they welcomed me into their fireteam, taught me how to play the game, helped me level up, helped complete exotic quests, and we went on to beat several raids together. It was awesome! Much love to my fireteam, you all are forever immortalized as side characters in Fire Sword Chronicles.
We picked up a few more MVPs when we moved on to Call of Duty. I wouldn't have had those experiences and those memories if I didn't learn to play the game.
I don't always have the resources to play the games I want to (time, money, platform, energy). In such cases, I watch someone else play through it. It's like watching a movie or a sport being played out. It allows me to experience the game when I don’t have the ability to play it myself. Sometimes, groups of people streaming gameplay will collaborate for charity events. Viewers watching gamers will donate toward worthy causes. What a time to be alive!
It's not always fun and games. Sometimes your favorite game will get an update that changes a mechanic, making the game lose the thing that made it fun. Sometimes the developer will adopt money grabbing practices that capitalize on the fear of missing out to increase their sales. Sometimes the community will turn sour and super toxic or gatekeep new players. Sometimes a streamer or speed runner you were watching turns out to be a terrible person. Maybe the organization you supported changed their vision or got themselves into hot water and drama that you no longer want to be part of. *cough* NaNoWriMo *cough* Sometimes you need to delete favorite games to make room for new ones. Humans still fail. Disappointments still happen. It's okay to let go, change course, and move on to something else. Something better.
This was supposed to be a less serious post so let's get back to the lighthearted stuff. I'm all about music. Here are some of those gaming songs I was talking about. Enjoy!
"How are you holding up? Because I'm a potato." - Portal 2
The director walks out of an interdepartmental meeting. Seeing me, she stops and says, “I heard about how you did x, y, z out west a few years ago! That’s so cool!”
Oh, I guess my previous manager told you about that.
***
I attend a coworker’s retirement event. He looks at me and grins. “I’m so glad you could make it! You know, I still tell people about the time you helped us out with a, b, c.”
I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but I guess it makes for an interesting story.
***
I leave some standard operating procedures behind for the new person so they aren’t as lost as I was when I first started. A year later, I get an email from the replacement. “Hello, thanks for all those guides you wrote. Everyone in the office still talks about how helpful you were. I’m trying my best, but you left some big shoes to fill!”
I’m sorry…? I was trying to make your life easier.
***
I send a note to a friend because I haven’t heard from them in a while. I get a response back a week later. “You have no idea how much I needed your words of encouragement. Even if we don’t talk much, I see you out there doing stuff. You inspire me!”
What stuff? I do the same thing every day. How is that inspiring?
Then it hits me.
Someone’s using me as a success story.
That doesn’t sound right. That’s actually kind of terrifying. For whatever reason, someone somewhere looks at me and goes, “THAT. That is someone who is succeeding. That is a person who will help make the world better. That is someone to look up to.” I don’t feel that way. Not at all. I see myself as a light, yes, but not a spotlight or a lighthouse. More like a tiny, little candle flickering in the corner. Fragile. One sigh away from darkness. I’m in my little sloop on life's ocean. Adjusting the sails, patching the holes, cooking the fish. Holding on for dear life in the storms. I make mistakes. I have plenty of flaws. Someone’s still watching.
Guess what? YOU are someone’s success story. You might feel like that’s impossible. You sit there and think, there’s no way. I have made every bad choice, every wrong decision, and broken every single thing I have ever put my hand to. You’re thinking, if anything, I’m the person people point at and say, “Pay attention kids, this is the perfect example of what NOT to do with your life.” Maybe. Even so, there are still people who will look at you and think, “I wish I had their resilience. Their patience. Their perseverance. Their determination to keep going, in spite of everything they’ve been through.” Someone’s still watching.
Or maybe you’re someone who made every correct decision in life and still feel like you have nothing to show for it. You do everything by the book, do exactly as you are asked, follow every rule, and everything still crumbles to dust under your fingertips. You still have to scrimp and save, fight tooth and nail, and struggle just to get by. You look around and see the people taking shortcuts to get what they want while you can’t catch a break. They say things and do things you wouldn’t dare and they get rewarded for it. Someone’s still watching.
“They don’t see everything,” you say. “That’s not a fair comparison. There is no reason for them to look up to me or want what I have. They don’t see how much I struggle with… (insert any and every personal struggle here).” No, it’s not fair. It will never be fair. We are conditioned to only share the highlights and the mountain peaks, if we share anything at all. You know what happens when someone overshares their struggles and valleys. Squeaky wheel gets the grease? Not in this world. The noisiest plane engine gets shot down. The loudest cry gets silenced. Silence is safer. Of course we’re mostly going to see the good, but some of us can see the bad too. Grass looking greener on the other side? They put hard work into their yard (or it's artificial). Water your own grass. You don’t think you’re worthy of being looked up to? None of us are. But we’re still looking for glimmers of light wherever we can find them. Maybe there is a glimmer in you. Someone’s still watching.
So keep getting up. Keep trying to do your best with what you have. If you make a bad decision because you didn’t know any better, do better when you know better. Keep persevering. Keep holding on. Keep staying the course. Keep doing the right thing. Leave people better than you found them. Keep trying. It’s worth it. You may not see it for a while, but it's worth it in the long run. Even if you don’t feel like you’re much of a success, someone somewhere still sees you as one and looks up to you. So be the best you you can be.
Someone’s still watching.
Reflect the Light.
~ Always hope ~
“But isn't it beautiful, the way we fall apart?
It's magical and tragic all, the ways we break our hearts?
So unpredictable, we're comfortably miserable.
We think we're invincible, completely unbreakable and maybe we are.”
