I see you. I know you're tired. I know you're weary.
It's been a long day. A long week. A long year. A long three years. A long eleven years. You see it. I see it. It never ends. It never stops. Oh, how you wish it would stop. How your tired heart aches.
It will end, eventually. You know that. I know that. We know the war has already been won. But not here. Not now. Not yet. Until then, you're not done. We're not done.
Rest.
Then get up.
“It’s going to be okay. Things will get better. Anything’s possible, as long as you don’t give up. You’re doing a good job.”
“We’re not sparring here, bud. Get up.”
"It doesn’t end here.” He stood up. “If you’re ready to keep going.”
"We're going to change things, you just wait and see. Just trust me. Things will get better. That's a promise."
"I can't believe that you of all people would be ready to give up! No."
"There's no such thing as hopeless."
"Good doesn’t battle evil because it is easy. Part of being the good guys means doing the hard things, even if no one else will. Even if we fail. Because there’s always the chance we won’t."
"As long as you try, that's all I ask."
"Giving up when everything in you is screaming to quit is not strength. Continuing to live and hope and trust and fight for what's right is not weakness. So what if it looks hopeless? I will keep fighting."
“Grief has its place, but you can’t let it consume you. Get up.” He stepped up and offered a hand. “Get up,” he repeated.
"Oh, I’m not finished yet. We’ve got a war coming, remember?"
“We watch out for each other, remember? You’re gonna be okay. Things will get better. That’s a promise.”
“I won’t give up! Not here. Not this place. I have to keep going."
"How many times are you going to stand up?”
“At least once more."
"Always hope. Always."
Eyes up, guardian. You're not alone.
When you're ready...
Let's go.
"These trials make us who we are, who we are, we are
We're motivated by the scars that we're made of
These trials make us who we are, who we are, we are
Hah! I swapped it around on you. The title song is further down.
Hi, friend! ^_^
We did it! We finally finished writing Ice Sword Chronicles: Book One start to finish! YAY! WOOT! HUZZAH!
So the story continues. We still have a ways to go to finish the whole thing. While I was writing/editing the thing, I still haven't technically revised it yet. I finished the first draft and it has many, many errors and placeholders I need to go back and fix. But it's done! I realize it took forever. I apologize. It's been a busy year (on top of the last 15-ish years). I still got it done and that's what counts.
(One of my favorite random lines from Fire Sword Chronicles)
That being said, let me shift gears for a second. Do you remember the feeling of change in your senior year of high school or maybe your last year of college? That feeling you get right before a move or job or relationship or appointment or milestone? A feeling of change approaching. Almost like you can see the curve in the road, but you can't see beyond it? You can feel the shift in the wind. You can hear the rolling of thunder and see clouds gathering on the horizon. That feeling. The knowledge that change is on its way. While you can take steps to delay it, you know you cannot prevent it. Change is inevitable.
I told you when I came back to this blog that I would not be here for long. I knew I could only keep writing until the next life event knocked me down or simply took up all my spare time again. Every season has a timer. Change doesn't have to be good or bad or big. Change can just be. I don't know exactly what's coming, but I know it's just around the corner. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air.
While I would love to keep writing no matter what happens, that is not realistic. I have other priorities and obligations I must keep. Writing is a hobby to me and sometimes it falls to the bottom of the never-ending list of things to do (even when the story ideas are still there). I can say I will continue writing while I have the time and motivation for it. I think I will always be a writer at heart.
The last time a significant life change hit, I left without saying goodbye. Well, that’s not entirely true. You were given very minimal warning. I marked the end of college and start of marriage, but I didn't expect to be gone for so long. I disappeared for years without an explanation. I don't want to let that happen again without at least expressing my thanks while I have the chance.
Rediscovering this blog, following all its affiliate links, driving down memory lane, seeing the old me while figuring out the new one - it's all been an amazing adventure in wonderland these last couple years. I never imagined I'd actually win NaNoWriMo and completely write two full books. Yes, I know all the hot water NaNo is in. I ain't touching that with a 39.5 foot pole, but let me have this. This was a childhood dream come true. Twice. I'm not officially participating this year. I might still do my own novel writing challenge at some point and not tie it to NaNo. Still figuring it out. I still have stories to finish and it has been an effective way to finish them. Just not this year.
I did imagine that ISC would be a fully written book, but I didn't know all the work that would go into it. So many times, I wished I could transplant the vision in my mind's eye onto paper (or screen) without having to sit and muddle through all the details. Hours upon hours of work. Blood, sweat, and tears (so many tears; I sobbed over these fictional people) went into writing this. Is it published (or even publish-able) yet? Absolutely not, but this is the closest it's ever gotten! Of all the times I started and stopped, this is the most brought to life it's been since my co-authors and I started it back in 2009. I'm quite happy with that. These last two years have been a blast writing ISC again. I loved getting back into our old characters and watching them grow (or backslide, in Hanna’s case). I do hope it continues, but we'll see how it goes. It would be amazing to actually finish the full story. I have so many plans and arcs and words and details to add. Still hoping I can keep it to 3 books and not 4 or more.
I know my co-authors and I were all very different people when we started ISC back in 2009. My aim with this re-write was to keep the spirit of adventure, the calling for glory, the weight of destiny, and the comradery that is built when friends overcome trials together. I was aiming for epic battles, witty dialog, serious questions, and comical moments. Questions of faith, salvation, humanity, justice, freedom, morality, identity, friendship, trust, truth, bias, free will, life, sacrifice, meaning, suffering, hope, love, loss, good, and evil. I am reconstructing a snapshot in time with the scraps that were left behind. My goal was to forge a path ahead while still respecting the writers and characters of the past. At the end of the day, what I create is based solely on my perspective. All the characters are fictional. The words are echoes. The settings are imaginary. I care about this story. I do. A lot. But it does not belong to me alone. I hope my co-authors of yesteryear can see my intent and forgive my shortcomings when I miss the mark. *salutes* O7
(You got this, Hanna. My beautiful, brave, powerful, fragile, lost, broken, Hanna. You'll find your light in the end. We hope.)
Losing SilverAngel in the midst of all of this was incredibly difficult. Losing my father was difficult too. Watching my home get invaded and go to war was difficult. There's no real way to explain it other than each loss hit differently. They all hit. And they all hurt. My heart still hurts. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. I won't explain it any more than that.
I got to meet up with one of my co-authors again on this journey. By all accounts, we should have been complete strangers. But we weren't. We were friends. We're still friends. Thanks for being awesome, Misty. I'm glad the friendship is still there, even if the memories sometimes aren't. XD Love ya! (:
(Of course I wore black with pigtails, how else was she going to recognize me? :P )
And thank you, friend.
Gentle reader. Silent watcher. I know you've been watching. You're not as invisible as you think you are. I might have never heard a single word from you, but I know you're still there. Still watching. Thank you for stopping by. It has been an honor to write for you. Thanks for following along with my silly little stories. It may not mean much to you, but it means the world to me. Wherever you are, wherever you go, I'll be cheering you on. I wish you the very best in life. Always.
Who knows, maybe I'll still have plenty of extra time and get to keep writing and posting. A lot of things have been making a comeback lately. Maybe I can too? What is life, if not full of surprises? Whether I get to keep writing or not, it has been an honor. Don't worry. This is not the end of the story. It is only the end of the chapter. *bows* Thank you, friend. Maybe I'll see you around.
Never Alone
Now, if we’re all reasonably okay with how Book One turned out... <_< >_> *seeing no complaints because no one's reported back that they've finished it yet* Who's ready to take on ISC Book Two? Enjoy the mood we're diving in with.
And yes, I'm building ISC Three's playlist too. Always writing with the end in mind. Enjoy the music. This is gonna be an interesting scene/arc when I finally get to it.
"Head full of questions, how can you measure up?
To deserve affection, to ever be enough
for this existence. When did it get so hard?
Your heart is beating, alive and breathing
And there's a reason why
you are essential, not accidental
And you should realize
You are beloved
I wanted you to know
You are beloved
Let it soak into your soul
Oh, forget the lies you heard
Rise above the hurt, and listen to these words
You are beloved
I want you to know you are beloved"
~ Beloved - Jordan Feliz
(Language warning for the following video, but I think it's worth watching.)
(A long-lost poem I wrote 10+ years ago about an angel helping out a struggling believer return to the light. I might rewrite it one day, but this is the original.)
(I feel like I should post a disclaimer because I actually dislike the movie Castaway. It's a great movie, but the ice skate scene freaked me out as a child. This song is lovely and hits the message I want to send so I'm sending it.)
I leave seashells for people. Not literal ones. Not usually.
My way of keeping up with and interacting with friends is sporadic and inconsistent at best. One week, my focus may be on one friend and then next week it's on a completely different friend. Or maybe it's on a family member or a coworker or a church member or a stranger or even myself. My attention is pulled in so many different directions and the number of directions is always increasing. To help combat this, if I see, hear, or find something that reminds me of someone, I will try to reach out to them in that moment. I will leave them a meme, a song, a quote, a physical object, a letter, or some other type of message. It's my way of saying, "This reminded me of you. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're okay."
I don't ever expect an immediate response. I don't expect a response at all, most of the time. Life is busy. People have bigger priorities than me. They are also being pulled in a million directions. The last thing I want to be is a distraction. Some of them may not even remember me by the time I actually reach out. My goal isn't a response. My goal is to brighten their day.
I've left folded paper swans in airports for complete strangers I never saw again. I've left messages on public chalkboards of places I visit, not knowing who they will reach. I leave thank you notes, flowers, songs, and smiles. I leave a seashell and move on with the hope that, one day, maybe someone will return and see the little collection of seashells I left while they were gone. Maybe they'll return. Maybe they won't. Either way, I still leave seashells.
I want them to know that someone somewhere out there still cares. Someone still remembers your presence. Someone still remembers the way your face lit up when you got your first motorcycle, the pain in your voice as you told me about your divorce, the look of gratitude as I brought you your favorite energy drink, the smile when you got silly emoji golf balls for Christmas. Someone still remembers your sub order because you ordered the same exact thing every single time you came in. Someone still remembers the cake flavor at your wedding. Someone still remembers how hard it was for you to be away from your family while we worked on a fire in Wyoming so we'd go on group coffee runs while the sky was still dark. Someone still remembers you are deathly allergic to pine trees and lillies and walnuts and red meat and peanut butter and cats. Someone still remembers your favorite color. Someone still remembers your deepest fear. Someone still remembers how hard you worked to get yourself through college so you could get your dream job only for that job to turn into a nightmare. Someone still remembers the crack in your voice as you pointed to the ink in your skin and explained what it meant to you. And the reason why you gauged your ears. And why you dyed your hair pink. And why you wear an orange ribbon. And why you love cardinals. Someone remembers when you lost your daughter. Someone remembers when you lost your mom. Someone still remembers your name. Someone somewhere out there still cares, even if they are terribly inconsistent at communicating it.
I don't think I am alone in this. I have been left seashells too. A text, a call, a song, a meme, a note, a letter, a bouquet of flowers. A ray of sunshine on a rainy day. People paid for my order without knowing who it was that benefitted. People gave me stickers. People took an interest in what I am interested in and acted on it. People have looked at me and seen the potential I did not see in myself. They encouraged me to be better. So when that random thought comes up, "I wonder how they're doing," reach out. Leave a seashell. Start with people you know, but don't let it end there. You never know what impact you'll have. Be light. Be salt. Be the example you would follow. In a world where you can choose kindness, don't choose to be anything less.
I will keep leaving seashells. May you see the little collection and remember that someone somewhere still cared long after I'm gone. Be that someone too.
The first weekday of September is the first day of school in Ukraine. They used to start off the school year with parades. Every child was dressed in matching uniforms - the boys in multipiece suits and the girls with fluffy white bows in their hair. Flowers, flags, and balloons were everywhere. Now, their classrooms are in subway bunkers to keep the children and teachers safe from missiles.
The day the twin towers fell is another big one in September. It always feels weird when people plan ordinary, daily life things on 9/11. I don't consider myself superstitious, but that date will always have a shadow hanging over it.
September is the month of my parents' anniversary. 40 years of marriage before he passed. Imagine that.
September is the month my husband and I started dating. What hopeful children we were then.
September holds the birthdays of several family, friends, and coworkers.
There's even an international talk like a pirate day in September.
September is a lot of things.
There are many reasons to celebrate in September and perhaps just as many reasons not to. That is not unique to this month, of course. But just as the beginning of the year marks renewal, beginnings, starts, and adventures yet to come, so the end of the year is marked with remembrance, solemn observation, and honoring adventures that have ended. And it always seems to start in September.
I could wear a hundred different colored ribbons up and down both arms to bring awareness to all the things I care about and it still would not be enough.
Whether you celebrate or not... Whether you observe, advocate, participate, bring awareness, or prefer to remain silent... may September be a month of hope, joy, love, peace, kindness, and gentleness to you and your loved ones.
May it be a reminder to hold your loved ones tight and tell them how much they mean to you. Rain or shine. In a world of cruelty, choose kindness.
"You hear people say, 'Well, they put up the good fight.' I understand that. I know what they're saying. But to somebody who has cancer, when you say, 'they're putting up a fight', to me, it implies that if I put forth more effort, I can win. That there is always an opportunity for me to defeat this and the only reason I wouldn't is because of lack of effort. It's not a fight. It's survival. You're trying to survive. You're the fox that is caught in a trap and trying to free its paw. That's where you are. You’re not fighting. You're trying to save your life."
~ David Motl
"I can feel 'em watching me while I'm learning to survive
Staring at my broken will that I'm too tired to hide
So many demons I can't escape
Burning my bridges to light the way
I can feel 'em watching me but I'll make it out alive
I spend far too much time thinking about my characters. What they would say, what they would think, how they would act. What are their motivations? What are their dreams? What are their fears? What are their expectations of the other characters? I imagine their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their quirks. What do they do in their spare time? What are their favorite foods? How do they act in private vs in public? What are their core values? If they play instruments (most of them do, shocker) what do they play? What are their habits (good, bad, or otherwise)?
I don't know if my characters are relatable to other people. The inner critic in me says the characters aren't unique enough. It says they all sound the same. They act irrationally. Their power levels are too high. Their secrets are obvious. They are predictable. They lean too heavily on overused tropes. They aren't realistic.
Then I have to remind my inner critic that this is a piece of fiction, that art can be interpreted in a million unexpected ways, and that the only one here setting unrealistic expectations is myself.
Of course every character sounds the same in my head, that's where they live. Bringing them to life is giving a piece of myself to each one of them to hold on to. Yes, they were initially created by my co-authors. Yes, some of them are based on characteristics of real people I know. But if I'm writing them, they're going to sound like me in some form or fashion anyway. I can't help that. (Is that what editors are for?)
I do my best to mitigate it. They are unique individuals in their own right. Each with different backgrounds, motives, and speech patterns. I try to put myself in their shoes. If a, b,c happened to me, how would I react to d, e, f? If I grew up in an environment of 1, 2, 3, how would that shape my beliefs and perception of the world? Why does x have a beef with z? Why does z get along so well with y?
Some characters I don't know the full backstories of so I've had to make assumptions based on the parts I do know. With some characters, I go: if this happened to my friend George, how would George react? (: Yeah. It's a lot of assumptions. Turns out I don't really know people that well. Even the best of friends will surprise me. I will never fully know what another person is thinking or going through. All I can do is guess and empathize (or ask, I suppose (OO) ). The only person I really know is me. I don't achieve 50% of my own expectations, how would I meet anyone else's?
This is getting off track. After writing two entire (more or less) stories, the characters are pretty well set in their ways. There is room for variance, but their personalities are consistent now. I thought it'd be cool to give you a look at how I keep them separate.
For starters, they each have their own music playlist. If I want a quick way to get into a specific headspace, to the playlists I go. When I see other fictional characters (movies, tv shows, books, etc.), I like to compare them to mine. "Oh, this character reminds me of mine when they do, say, wear..." fill in blank.
Because I'm a visual person, sometimes it's easier to pull up someone else's existing character for reference on something I have not personally experienced. For instance, if I'm writing two brothers, I pull up fictional brothers and watch how they act. Granted, I've watched how brothers act in real life too, but the additional references help. Some stuff I don't need references for. Like Hanna. I have plenty of references for how she looks. But as far as how she acts and thinks? I don’t need anyone's help with that.
The following is a list of references I go to when I'm trying to pin down a specific personality. This list is not exhaustive by any means. I could only use 6 pics at a time. (I also left out some super obvious ones.) See how many characters you recognize! Enjoy!
Hanna
Non-quote (a phrase the character has never officially said, but sums them up pretty well):
"I don't know what I'm looking for, but I have to keep looking. Like homesickness for a place I've never been to or a place I can't return to. I can't explain why... but being around him always felt like being home."
Misty
Healer. Leader. Helper.
"How do you know it won't work if you never try? No use moping over a situation if you aren't going to do anything to change it."
DJ
Determination. Defender. Damage per second.
"What you do matters. You have to keep believing that. Even if you're the last one still fighting, don't give up. It matters. Even if you're the only one it matters to."
EDJ
20% evil. 80% charisma. 100% chaos.
"If you have the chance to be truly happy, take it before someone else takes it from you."
Lui
Red mage. Green flag. Pocketful of sunshine.
"Humans should be treated like humans, no matter whatever else they may be."
Brady
The solution to user error.
"The potential you humans have is immeasurable, if only you would live up to it."
Shard
Actually evil.
"The only value a life has is determined by how much you can extract from it before it is extinguished."
It would be funny to see whether or not you agree with my list or if you think I'm totally off base in comparing these personalities to the original ISC characters. This is the best way I've found to help me keep my characters IN character. It's been 15 years. The characters are not who they started out as. They aren't being written by their Original authors. Just me. And me is doing the best she can. They make sense to me. With any luck, they'll make sense to the readers too. Here's hoping. At the end of the day, books are always flammable.
"We spent the whole day shopping, but all she got was a picture."
Connection
Show me the peach sunshine rays at sunrise and the marmalade sunset skies.
Show me the velvet flower petals dressed in dew beside fern and moss.
Show me the trees clawing their way toward radiance and their multicolored leaves blanketing the earth.
Show me the whiskers and wet snout of the animal companion on your daily walks.
Show me the endless streams, rivers, lakes, and oceans you visit to escape the summer's sweltering heat.
Show me the double rainbow you found after a torrential spring shower and the crystalline snowflakes caught on your cotton scarf.
Show me the landmarks I've never seen and the history I've never read when you go adventuring. Teach me the little known facts. Expand my vocabulary of concepts.
Show me the cover of the book you last shed tears over. Show me so I can learn the lessons you did within its pages.
Show me the playlist you pull up in the car and the station you turn to when you can no longer abide the ear-splitting silence. Let me hear the notes of the melody attached to your most precious memory.
Show me the yellowed recipe card handwritten by your great-grandmother so I too can prepare your favorite meal. Teach me the house rules of the games you grew up playing.
Show me the collection of teacups and seashells and pins and coins from foreign nations.
Show me the fingerprint-laced mug of clay and the canvas filled with your uneven brushstrokes.
Show me the table you sanded down and varnished, the dress you sewed with curtain fabric, and the miniature model you glued together and painted.
Show me the steaming loaf of bread fresh from the oven and the crooked wooden spoon carved with your blade.
Show me, not because they are perfect, but because you are the one who made them.
Show me the bright smiles and squinting, starry eyes when you gather with long lost friends and beloved family members.
Show me the laughing faces from your last celebration forever frozen on film.
Show me your milestones, anniversaries, and days of remembrance.
Show me your greatest accomplishment.
Show me your deepest loss.
Show me all the ways we are different.
Show me all the ways we are alike.
Show me there is a light in the abyss of darkness.
Show me we can choose joy and peace over bitterness and war.
Show me we can choose compassion and kindness over cruelty and hatred.
Show me we can choose goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and gentleness in a universe screeching division, deception, degradation, and destruction.
Show me your faith and why you believe it.
Show me what brings you hope.
Show me love.
(Alt title: the only reason I still use social media)
