Until The World Ends - Arch Tremors

"Through the tender mercy of our God, With which the Dayspring from on high has visited us;

To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, To guide our feet into the way of peace.”

‭Luke‬ ‭1:78‭-‬79‬ ‭NKJV‬

I apologize if my last post caught a few of you off guard. The loss caught me off guard too. I suppose it should not have. I had been talking SilverAngel down from the ledge for a while. In the end, I could not save my friend's life. I tried. I failed. The guilt for this failure is not on me. I know I alone am inadequate. I've had the awareness and prevention trainings. I know the signs. I've seen the numbers. I can listen to you. I can give you a place to vent. I can tell you it will get better all day long, but it won't make a difference if you don't believe me. If you find yourself in the valley of hopelessness and despair, please seek professional help. Here are a few resources: 

Call or text at any time - 988

https://sprc.org/

https://rogersbh.org/

https://www.kindmindcounseling.org/

Please utilize them. There is no shame in asking for help. You have people who love you and care about you and want you to stay. I'm one of them. I care if one more light goes out. Please don't let the darkness win. Life is worth living, even when it isn't perfect. 

I miss my friend, but I need to keep going. The living need my attention. The storms of life rage on and I need to help pick up the pieces where I can. I need to finish what I started. I need to focus on the next right thing. 

There were good things that happened this year. Great things, even. But sad things happened too. Gotta take the sunshine with the rain. You need both to grow. If this year was not a good one for you, there is still next year. There is still tomorrow. There is today. It's not too late. It's never too late to change. It's never too late to be better.  

As we close out this year, I am so thankful for many things. I am grateful for the patience, kindness, and mercies of the One True King. I am grateful for the Hope that is in me, the Light that keeps me going. I am grateful for the family and friends that have been by my side through everything this year. I'm grateful for my coworkers and current work environment. I'm grateful for my puppies who still love me when I trip over them. I'm grateful for the new adventures I've been on this year and the courage to try new things. I'm grateful for my husband. 

(Princess Mononoke) 

My husband has stuck with me through thick and thin. Through better and worse. Through sickness and health. Through life and loss. I don't talk about him enough. Partly because that's a side of me you have no business knowing, but also because of this fear that if I talk about something important, something bad will happen to it. Like the fb curse for relationships. What I have is precious and sacred and very dear to me. I will not part with it for anyone or anything. 

(Howl's Moving Castle)

Our love may not look like big bouquets or fancy dinners or flashy jewelry. Romcoms are corny and PDA is still sappy. Instead, our love looks like stargazing in freezing temps. It's building lego sets together. It's playing video games together. It's loud duets with each other from separate rooms. It's cooking dinner and washing the dishes. It's making sure the car tank is full and the groceries are put away and the trash is taken out. It's waking up at 1 in the morning to take care of the dogs then getting up at 4 for work. It's calling each other when you are physically apart and staying on the phone for hours, even if you don't say anything at all. It's asking "what can I do for you" until you run out of things to do and still looking for things to do anyway. It's whispering "I love you" every chance you have to say it and mean it every time. It's staring into the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my entire life for as long as I live. 

(Tales from Earthsea)

You cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. You cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.  He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we're perfect together. I would follow you to the end, Forever & Always. 

"In the end I wanna be standing 

At the Beginning with you."

"When the rain falls down

When it all turns around

When the light goes out, this isn't the end

~

How close to the ending? Well, nobody knows

The future's a mystery and anything goes

Love is confusing and life is hard

You fight to survive cause you made it this far

It's all too astounding to comprehend

It's just the beginning, this isn't the end."

This Isn’t The End - Owl City

(Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind)

~ Always Hope ~

Hurt - Johnny Cash

 

For you, SA. I even kept the tears out.

As much as I would love to tell you that life is full of smiles and rainbows and lollipops, that would be a lie. I am trying so hard to find the light in everything. In everyone. The truth is, it still rains. It is still dark. It is still winter. It still hurts. I know I need to accept both sides of life - the dark and the light, the sunshine and the rain, the joy and the sorrow.

I lost a friend. I am heartbroken. I am devastated. It was unfair. It was tragic. It was avoidable. Sometimes, I can laugh and smile and think about other things. Sometimes, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding. I have cried every day since they left. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to listen to music so loud it ruptures my ear drums. I want to sit in absolute silence without ever hearing another note. I want to write a thousand books. I never want to pick up a pen again. Am I going to lose someone I care about every year?

I once read that the scars go as deep as the love. What a broken way to measure love. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I couldn't feel a thing. I guess that's what you get when you let your heart win. That's what I get for letting the icy thing melt. It has become soft and vulnerable. It hurts. Everything hurts. Every time my heart breaks, I stitch it back together. And then we go again. Like a rundown car. It breaks over everything. Over everyone. 

I went to get groceries. I shoved my earbuds in and listened to Linkin Park, because that's the only thing I can listen to when my heart is broken. Out of courtesy, I stop the music as I approach the till. The cashier wears an all too familiar golden ring on a silver chain. "Is that the One Ring?" I ask. 

"YES!" Their face lights up with a huge grin. They immediately launch into a story about how they're planning to give it to a friend who is moving away because, in their little friend group, they are Sam and the friend is Frodo. We smile and laugh and, for a moment, the world is beautiful and wonderful and unmarred. Then I get to my car and cry. Why does that matter so much to me?

I wrote a story last year to help me through my grief and loss. Why am I surprised that, right this very second, that's the story I want to read again? That's not how grief is supposed to work. I'm supposed to be over this. I'm supposed to be resilient. Strong. Unbreakable. Life doesn't work like that. Not at all. Healing is a lot of back and forth. One step forward, three steps back. No matter what, always press forward. Being strong isn't being unbreakable. It's when you are broken over and over again, but you keep going anyway. You won’t find any condemnation from me for breaking, but please don’t give up. 

It’s okay. I will be okay. I’m still eating and sleeping and going outside. I have a support system and healthy coping mechanisms and people I can talk to. This post isn’t to worry you or warn you or even inform you. I didn’t write it for any of those reasons. I wrote it to help me heal. I’m writing it to remind myself that it’s okay to listen to sad music as well as happy music. There is still a sunrise on the horizon and it will be beautiful again, even if all I can see is rain. I’m writing to remind myself to keep my heart soft. To let this make me even more compassionate and loving to others. But for now, for one split-second, let me mourn the soul of my friend. 

“I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair

It doesn't care, it arbitrarily cuts off your air

And like you, I want someone to say it's okay

But in the truest part of our hearts, everybody's afraid

We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed

Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves

You understand what I'm saying, 'cause you always did

But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid”

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor 

Proverbs 17:17

Because it makes me feel better, can I share my favorite parts of last year’s story with you? You don’t have to read them, but they help me pull myself forward. For anyone who actually has a copy of the story, you've had enough time to read it by now. To everyone else, I’ve edited out the names and context so as not to spoil too much. That's the only spoiler warning you'll get.

***

It hurts. 

“I know.” 

I don’t want to keep hurting… But I don’t want it to stop either.

“It’s never going to stop. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you don’t… You learn to live with it.”

How?

“You learn to float through the waves. You find a piece of wreckage or a memory or another person and hang on for dear life. When the waves come, they will be a thousand feet high and crash down every two seconds. Everything you see will remind you. You won’t even have a chance to breathe... But over time… the waves will get further apart. Over time, they get smaller and you’ll be able to see them coming. And every time they crash over you, you’ll come out the other side... Still hanging on. You learn to float through them.”

The waves never stop?

“The waves never stop.”

***

“He looks broken.”

“Hm, that’s ‘cause ‘e is. To love someone that deeply takes a lotta courage, because ye know one day they’ll be gone. That’s a scar ‘e’ll carry ferever.”

“What’s the point? Why open yourself up to such damage at all? I thought the point of life was to avoid weakness.”

“Life’s gonna hit ya no matter what ya do. It ain’t a matter o’ weakness. The point is ya can’t go through it alone. Ya need people to survive. So what if they leave scars? The scars are a reminder they meant somethin’. When it’s yer time, you’ll leave scars too. I think… if yer lucky, you’ll have a lot of scars when it’s all said and done. Or unlucky. Honestly, he’s pro’bly one of the strongest men I know.” 

“Why?”

“Cause he’ll still choose to be broken.” 

***

“I’m not going to hold his mistakes over him.” 

“Maybe you should.” Always seeing the good in people. Always seeing the light. It’s your biggest fault. 

It’s a gift. 

***

"I thought the pain would go away… I thought I could finally fix it. I did everything I could and it still didn’t matter! It still hurts!” 

“It’s okay. Let it out. You’re safe.” 

“How did you move on?” 

“I didn’t. I didn’t move on. I didn’t leave her behind or forget. I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t want to forget her smile or her laugh or her tears.” 

“It hurts too much to remember.”

“I want to. I’m going to remember her every day if it kills me. I just don’t want to do it alone.” 

“You’re not alone.”

~ Always Hope ~

In The End - Tommee Profitt (Linkin Park cover)

 

I did it, SilverAngel.

I hit 50k. I won NaNoWriMo. Just like I said I would. Just like you knew I could.

I'll be honest, I almost gave up after I heard the news of your passing. I wanted to stop. I wanted to never write another word. Yet the words poured out. I had to keep going, mostly out of spite. I had to finish what I started, no matter what. That's what heroes do. That's what hope does. 

Always hope. 

Isn’t that what you told me?

Always hope is stamped on everything I write. Always hope was our battle cry as we flew headlong into life, swords glinting and wings unfurled. Your battle is over now, fallen warrior. It grieves me more than you can ever know to watch you fall. Always hope is the whisper on my lips as I claw forward and pick myself up from the mud. Always hope is stitched to my heart as I press on, leaving you behind. 

We've been friends for 14 years and now you're gone. I kept your stories safe for you. Of course I saved them. I try to save everything. Without condoning, without condemning, I understand. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Yet, I will take up the mantle of Auriel - angel of hope. I will pick up the broken standard. I accept the responsibility that comes with being a lightkeeper. You remember what Cave Johnson said about life handing you lemons. I'm gonna burn the house down with the lemons. 

Hope is a light in the darkness and in the darkness I will be that light. 

For you. 

For me. 

For them. 

“To wring a silver lining out of thunderstorms isn’t for the faint of heart. What you are doing is brave and meaningful. Every story has meaning because every voice is different. Every life is a lens refashioning the ordinary into the extraordinary. And you, right now, right this second, are part of that ancient and sacred tradition of storytellers.” ~ Roshani Chokshi

Goodbye, SilverAngel. 

My friend and coauthor. 

This win's for you. 

We did it. 

~ Always Hope ~ 

Eyes up, Guardian

More Than A Fighter - JT Music

 

This post is short and sweet. 

If you're wondering how NaNoWriMo is going, don't worry. I stopped editing, but I haven't stopped writing. Meaning all the parts/chapters I have been posting are the 90% workable and 50% edited content. In order to speed up the process and keep up with my word count, I've focused 100% on just writing and doing it from memory instead of painstakingly going over the new and the old content line by line. 

This way, I get through most of the story and I can always go back and make it pretty later. More ISC content is coming. It's just not ready for reading yet. 

I'm at 41,773 words as of this moment. 50k is right around the corner.

Meanwhile, enjoy this tribute to Cal Kestis that I've been listening to on repeat for the last five hours. 

~ Always Hope ~

What A Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong

 

I wasn’t planning to write a blog post while doing NaNoWriMo, but out of the abundance of the heart the hand types so here we go. 

I stopped to look up at the architecture of the building I work at the other day and it suddenly hit me: when did something that once filled me with awe and wonder become so mundane? It happened to you too, right? The moment you skip your favorite song because it has become dull. The moment a bright red maple tree standing among a sea of yellows and greens becomes ordinary. The moment you’d rather stand under the umbrella instead of letting the rain touch your skin. Oh, what lives we lead when the extraordinary becomes normal! Life is full of incredible, beautiful moments that we are often too busy to stop and appreciate. The wonderful moments. The awesome moments. The moments when you stop and stare in amazement. I don’t want to lose that sense of wonder. Don’t let life become mundane. 

But what if it has? What if you can’t get out of the day in and day out? Next time you grab your coffee, stop and feel the warmth of the cup. Next time you pass a bakery, stop and smell the fresh bread. Listen to the heartbeat of someone you love. When you see that little daisy poking out between the cracks of the sidewalk in the middle of November because it doesn’t care what time of year it is, appreciate its beauty. Get excited when you see a rainbow. Get excited when your egg randomly has two yolks. In a world full of darkness and despair and monotony, stop to find the joy and you’ll find it.

Along this line, I discovered that the moment you learn how to pop the top off your stove to clean it, you become unstoppable. It's like discovering the hidden adult magic that you longed for as a kid. The mystical power of adults who can do anything. A similar thing happened when I found out you can swap the direction your doors open on appliances (fridge, dryer, washing machine). That was a fun day. I'm not sure if I've become a boring adult when these kinds of discoveries excite me or if I'm still seeing through the eyes of a child. Maybe I’m just a dork.

Getting back to NaNo, there must be a word for when your brain decides it would rather spend 3 hours deep cleaning the entire house on your day off than write one legible sentence toward your word count goal. Oh, there is? “Procrastination”? That doesn’t sound right. While my word count is not where it should be (these words don't count), I have a backlog of raw content from notes and word wars that I need to work on getting “reader ready.” Don’t question the process, but trust there is one. I am still being productive, it just doesn’t look like it yet…. Yeah, we’ll go with that. I did start noticing a pattern though…

There is a great big bad overlord that no one sees until the very end. The fate of the world is at stake. The one deemed to save it refuses the calling. And there is some sort of crush going on between the easy going pacifist and the emotional water girl. Is it a stretch? Maybe. Are the patterns only there if you look for them? Possibly. I don’t know, but I found it funny all the same. 

I was thinking about the importance of Veteran’s day. I have lived a conflict-free life. I don’t know anyone in active duty. I don’t know anyone who has died in the line of duty. And I only know a handful of veterans. I realize this makes me fortunate. I’m an ignorant civilian who has never had to worry about war. Obviously, it’s a bit different with the war going on in the country I grew up in, but I’m still not its citizen. I believe it takes a certain kind of person to be willing to lay down your life for others. For that, members of the military have my highest respect. Some never saw combat. Some never left our shores. Some left and are lucky they made it back at all. None of that makes them any less worthy of respect, in my eyes. Most of the time, I don’t know what to do when I see a veteran. Thank you doesn’t feel like enough. As with many areas of life, I wish I could do more. Honestly, I don’t think we as a nation are doing enough for them. But those are opinions best kept to myself. Those are the kinds of opinions that make people mad and I hate making people mad. So let me leave it at this: if you had the strength to put on my country’s uniform, thank you. Thank you for choosing to protect fortunate and ignorant civilians like me. 

Part Of Me - Evanescence

 

Would it even be a proper Ice Sword Chronicles post without Amy Lee's magnificent vocals sending us off on our journey? I think not. In fact, I hope every single time Evanescence graces your ears, you think of ISC. 

I certainly do. 

NaNo is here (close enough)! Are we ready to enter the Mines of Moria and face the balrog? No. Are we ready to rewrite the most ridiculous and epic story in all of human history? Also no. Are we ready rewrite ISC? ...Maybe? No. Yes!

I'll be posting all the rewrite material on the ISC blog. Shout out to the only individual who participated in the survey and picked what I probably would have done anyway. I don't know who you are, but thank you, random citizen. 

Here's the first change, solely for clarity's sake, the new parts will be named chapters. I know, I know. ISC's content has always been "Part ...". So much stuff gets glossed over in the beginning and I want to go back and fill it in. With expanding the narrative content, I'm 100% certain it's going to be a nightmare trying to fit everything into the same Parts the Original is in. Also, if I name everything in the rewrite "Part ...", it's going to get super confusing when referencing between the two. For now, they will be called chapters. Maybe they can be called parts again after it's all said and done and we send it off for publishing. (HAH!)

During NaNoWriMo, my goal is to try to get through all of the intro, kidnapping, EDJ's castle, Lui’s disappearance, meeting Misty, and going to Thorae. Act One-ish of the tale. It ends up being about the first 12 parts or so. I know that doesn't sound like a lot in comparison to the rest of the story, but it's a start. I always anticipated ISC becoming a full set of chronicles by the time it's all written out and all the prequels and sequels get attached anyway (hence, chronicles). We'll see if I can cover all of Earth’s portion with words to spare. Death 50,000 words is only the beginning. 

Also, if you haven't already, check out the ISC fb page and ISC blog. That's where I'll be updating my writing progress. Not here. Follow the rabbit hole. Good luck. 

Coauthors - we started this story together. I'm going to finish it. It won't be perfect, but maybe it will be one step closer to achieving those dreams we started out with. I'm serious about my request earlier - any ideas, any changes, any suggestions at all, tell me. I'll get it done. I want to honor you and your characters by getting them right. Help me put these ghosts to rest. 

Everyone else, enjoy the trip. We're taking a ride back to 2009 so it's going to be a bumpy one. Get your playlists and popcorn ready. 

Enjoy the awful/lovely artwork of 2009 Savvy. I can't draw hair for nothing. I literally haven't drawn at all since then, so my skills have not improved. I do want to get back into the 4-panel chibi comics though, those were fun and adorable. 

Out the window

(DJ, Lui, and EDJ)

Flower

(Lui and Hanna)

Explosive Cookies

(EDJ)

Snowball

(Hanna and Anna)

Hug

(Lui and Hanna)

Clash

(Hanna and EDJ)

Unfinished Portrait 

(Hanna)

Makin a List

(Hanna, drawn by my sister)

Maybe it's all for nothing. Maybe I have built a house of memories with no foundation. Maybe I'm a sponge excreting everything I've absorbed over the years without an original bone in my body. Maybe I'm feeding off nostalgia the way maggots feed off a corpse. Maybe my words will do more harm than good. Maybe I'll regret even trying. Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I can no longer live with the regret of not trying at all. I can no longer live with these buried dreams and talents. If I dig them up and they all come to naught, at least I can say I tried. 

In truth, I'm really excited to dive back into this world. I know I'm not the same person I was when I initially wrote my portions. The imagined settings, characters, and scenarios are still there, but I have new ideas to add to them. New ways to reveal old truths. Some character roles may change. There's a possible name change. To a story that's 90% dialog, I'm adding way more dialog. Change is coming, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Maybe it's silly for me to hold on to this dream for so long. The world has moved on. So what if it has? I'm not writing for the world. I'm writing for me. *points at characters* I'm writing for them. The least I can do is finish their story. They deserve that much. It's never too late to get back up again. May be knocked down, but not out forever. 

To anyone else participating in National Novel Writing Month - good luck. May the odds be ever in your favor. 

"I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here,
there must be something more
Bring me to life"

~ Evanescence 

"Maybe that's why fairytales exist... To give us hope when reality has taken it from us."

~ Always hope ~