Hurt - Johnny Cash

 

For you, SA. I even kept the tears out.

As much as I would love to tell you that life is full of smiles and rainbows and lollipops, that would be a lie. I am trying so hard to find the light in everything. In everyone. The truth is, it still rains. It is still dark. It is still winter. It still hurts. I know I need to accept both sides of life - the dark and the light, the sunshine and the rain, the joy and the sorrow.

I lost a friend. I am heartbroken. I am devastated. It was unfair. It was tragic. It was avoidable. Sometimes, I can laugh and smile and think about other things. Sometimes, I'm still trying to stop the bleeding. I have cried every day since they left. I want to scream. I want to punch something. I want to listen to music so loud it ruptures my ear drums. I want to sit in absolute silence without ever hearing another note. I want to write a thousand books. I never want to pick up a pen again. Am I going to lose someone I care about every year?

I once read that the scars go as deep as the love. What a broken way to measure love. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I couldn't feel a thing. I guess that's what you get when you let your heart win. That's what I get for letting the icy thing melt. It has become soft and vulnerable. It hurts. Everything hurts. Every time my heart breaks, I stitch it back together. And then we go again. Like a rundown car. It breaks over everything. Over everyone. 

I went to get groceries. I shoved my earbuds in and listened to Linkin Park, because that's the only thing I can listen to when my heart is broken. Out of courtesy, I stop the music as I approach the till. The cashier wears an all too familiar golden ring on a silver chain. "Is that the One Ring?" I ask. 

"YES!" Their face lights up with a huge grin. They immediately launch into a story about how they're planning to give it to a friend who is moving away because, in their little friend group, they are Sam and the friend is Frodo. We smile and laugh and, for a moment, the world is beautiful and wonderful and unmarred. Then I get to my car and cry. Why does that matter so much to me?

I wrote a story last year to help me through my grief and loss. Why am I surprised that, right this very second, that's the story I want to read again? That's not how grief is supposed to work. I'm supposed to be over this. I'm supposed to be resilient. Strong. Unbreakable. Life doesn't work like that. Not at all. Healing is a lot of back and forth. One step forward, three steps back. No matter what, always press forward. Being strong isn't being unbreakable. It's when you are broken over and over again, but you keep going anyway. You won’t find any condemnation from me for breaking, but please don’t give up. 

It’s okay. I will be okay. I’m still eating and sleeping and going outside. I have a support system and healthy coping mechanisms and people I can talk to. This post isn’t to worry you or warn you or even inform you. I didn’t write it for any of those reasons. I wrote it to help me heal. I’m writing it to remind myself that it’s okay to listen to sad music as well as happy music. There is still a sunrise on the horizon and it will be beautiful again, even if all I can see is rain. I’m writing to remind myself to keep my heart soft. To let this make me even more compassionate and loving to others. But for now, for one split-second, let me mourn the soul of my friend. 

“I don't need to tell you that life isn't fair

It doesn't care, it arbitrarily cuts off your air

And like you, I want someone to say it's okay

But in the truest part of our hearts, everybody's afraid

We're just underappreciated and overwhelmed

Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves

You understand what I'm saying, 'cause you always did

But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid”

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor 

Proverbs 17:17

Because it makes me feel better, can I share my favorite parts of last year’s story with you? You don’t have to read them, but they help me pull myself forward. For anyone who actually has a copy of the story, you've had enough time to read it by now. To everyone else, I’ve edited out the names and context so as not to spoil too much. That's the only spoiler warning you'll get.

***

It hurts. 

“I know.” 

I don’t want to keep hurting… But I don’t want it to stop either.

“It’s never going to stop. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you don’t… You learn to live with it.”

How?

“You learn to float through the waves. You find a piece of wreckage or a memory or another person and hang on for dear life. When the waves come, they will be a thousand feet high and crash down every two seconds. Everything you see will remind you. You won’t even have a chance to breathe... But over time… the waves will get further apart. Over time, they get smaller and you’ll be able to see them coming. And every time they crash over you, you’ll come out the other side... Still hanging on. You learn to float through them.”

The waves never stop?

“The waves never stop.”

***

“He looks broken.”

“Hm, that’s ‘cause ‘e is. To love someone that deeply takes a lotta courage, because ye know one day they’ll be gone. That’s a scar ‘e’ll carry ferever.”

“What’s the point? Why open yourself up to such damage at all? I thought the point of life was to avoid weakness.”

“Life’s gonna hit ya no matter what ya do. It ain’t a matter o’ weakness. The point is ya can’t go through it alone. Ya need people to survive. So what if they leave scars? The scars are a reminder they meant somethin’. When it’s yer time, you’ll leave scars too. I think… if yer lucky, you’ll have a lot of scars when it’s all said and done. Or unlucky. Honestly, he’s pro’bly one of the strongest men I know.” 

“Why?”

“Cause he’ll still choose to be broken.” 

***

“I’m not going to hold his mistakes over him.” 

“Maybe you should.” Always seeing the good in people. Always seeing the light. It’s your biggest fault. 

It’s a gift. 

***

"I thought the pain would go away… I thought I could finally fix it. I did everything I could and it still didn’t matter! It still hurts!” 

“It’s okay. Let it out. You’re safe.” 

“How did you move on?” 

“I didn’t. I didn’t move on. I didn’t leave her behind or forget. I don’t ever want to forget. I don’t want to forget her smile or her laugh or her tears.” 

“It hurts too much to remember.”

“I want to. I’m going to remember her every day if it kills me. I just don’t want to do it alone.” 

“You’re not alone.”

~ Always Hope ~