How was your... September, October, November, December? Good? Busy? Awesome? Awful? Stressful? All the above? A blur?
Apologies. I did not plan to be gone that long. Then again, I did not exactly plan to come back either (I don't schedule my hobbies). I would like to tell you I buckled down and wrote out another 50k word book in November, but that did not happen. I researched. I planned. I plotted. I made origami books that neatly displayed the exact order of events (they were super cute). I wrote ideas for what direction I was going to go, scrapped them, and wrote new ones.
I planned to write a short story for a side character doomed by the narrative. There was to be misguided intention, hubris, and betrayal. I understood the character, the motivation, and the critical flaw. It was to be a purposeful tragedy of Shakespearean proportions.
I wrote the first chapter and stopped. I cannot write this. Not that I am incapable of it. I have the exact tools I need to craft such a story and I would be justified in writing every word of it. But what would that bring to the world? What would it leave? Another tragedy. More anger. A lesson, maybe. If I'm lucky. The world does not need this story. I do not need this story. That is not the legacy I want.
(Then I chided myself for being a coward who never finishes anything and told myself to write it anyway.)
"No more empty vessels sent off into night
Each heartbeat's a ballad, and ours will unite
This is my song to write
Intertwine dark and light
May this sword be my guide
With every chord that I strike"
- Cut the Ties, JT Music
I sit in my nest of manuscripts and think. Think. Think. Think. Write. Listen to music. Jot down notes. Watch a movie. Play a game. Think some more. Read. Write. Paint. Draw. Bake. Think. I know to be a "real" writer, one ought to do a lot more writing. But how? The world I see is vast. People, cultures, power struggles, coups, assassination plots, training montages, reconciliation, restoration, military strategies, elemental magics, portals, languages, foods, traditions, mountains, oceans, deserts, islands, history. How? There is so much already and so much more to go, and it is all so very disorganized.
How do I scrape it all down to the bare minimum so I can get back to the message? The core. What is the message? What is the fire we hold onto when all other lights go out? Whose is the voice we listen to when the cacophony of the world drowns all memory of silence? What is the one seed that when planted will grow and weather every storm and every drought? Do you know the answer, friend? Do I?
Would that I could grasp the answer in my fist and not my heart. I would tell you it vibrantly radiates every prismatic color, but does not blind the eye. It is solid and sturdy, durable to the touch, but not heavy. It has discernible edges, but is also malleable enough to fit wherever needed. The taste is sweet and it smells of comfort, whether it be baked cinnamon bread or sandalwood seas or lilacs and clover. The sound, soft and melodic, nonintrusive, brings delight when heard or recalled. It is never a danger or a threat. When found, it is always met with gratitude and relief, as one welcoming an old friend with open arms.
Maybe I will start at the beginning. I have tread that path a hundred times. What is once more? Maybe I will start even before that. The further I am from the end, the easier the story seems to come together. Maybe one day I'll get where I intend to go.
Know this, friend: I am still rooting for you. My desire to see you prosper and grow and do great things has never wavered. Not once. I know you are doing monumental things, even if they do not seem all that great to you in the moment. I know you are making a difference in the world for the better, even if you have made mistakes along the way. You are still here. Still trying. Your courage to keep going in the face of adversity gives me strength. Your bravery to get up and try again after yet another failure inspires me to persevere. To do better. To BE better. Your patience, kindness, helpfulness, and generosity with others (unrequited and, seemingly at times, undeserved) gives me hope. This is not meant to be a trite, naive speech depicting some grandiose version of yourself that only exists in fantasy. Nor is it a falsehood describing an inflated image you project to be. I see the world and the darkness therein. I see the mountains you have climbed, the valleys you have trod, and the struggles you currently face. Certainly not everything, but I have seen enough. When I look at you, I see a hero. Genuinely. Assuredly. Wholeheartedly. So please keep going. Keep persevering. Keep doing the right thing. One step at a time. One day at a time. One connection at a time. I know you can. You are changing the world and it does not go unnoticed. You have it in you to be legendary. So go be legendary, champion. Regardless of status, I will root for you. I will remember you because you are worth being remembered.
How's this: you keep being awesome and I'll keep cheering you on, okay? Show me how far love will go and maybe one day I'll successfully write about it. Until that day, how about we both keep trying?
I'm going to shift to serious Anna for a second (because this is especially aimed at her):
Do not be one who complain simply to complain any time a modicum of effort is required of you. Do not whine about the difficulties in life when the power to change them is in your hands. This is not said to trivialize your problems or minimize the struggles of dealing with forces outside your control. It is to get you to focus on what you CAN control. You can always do something. One good thing. If you sit there and believe your locus of control is in someone else's hands, your life will be lived by everyone but you. Stand up. Take action. Make a move. Your precious life has been given to you to protect. Stop giving it away. Depression is a gravity well. Fear is contageous and negativity is addictive. Darkness will consume you, if you let it. Stop. Feeding. It. The enemy knows our weaknesses. Do not make it easy. Our friends are counting on us. Our friends believe in us. They need to see us win. I need you to win.
Now then, off to the light with you. And send that voice of destruction back to the fiery depths from whence it came. It is no longer welcome here.
"I’ve seen it at work. If it gets a holda ya, you don’t get out without someone else reachin’ in an pullin’ you out. Corruption can get to anyone. Even the most kindhearted people you know.” - Fire Sword Chronicles, SMM
Here we are, friend. You and me. At the end of the chapter. Let us turn this page together. Abide at my side and keep the bridge with me. Let us face the enemy with dauntless, unclouded eyes and see the morning sun rise victorious over the night.
Together. Stronger. Braver.
Better
~ Always Hope ~
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